How To Orgasm Faster (and Better): 11 Expert Tips for Women To Cum Easily

by admin on November 18, 2022

The unfortunate truth of the orgasm gap is that for folks with vulvas, climaxing is rarely as easy or quick as the “oh, oh, oh!” portrayal it gets in pop culture. In fact, a 2017 study of over 50,000 people found that only 65 percent of heterosexual people identifying as women report always reaching orgasm after sexual acts, versus 95 percent of heterosexual people identifying as men. And a part of that gap is likely due to the sheer length of time it can take a vulva-owner to orgasm: A separate 2020 study of more than 600 heterosexual vulva-owners who clocked their O-time found an average of about 14 minutes. The good news? That number is variable—and you can figure out how to orgasm fast, if you’d like to make haste.

But first, it’s worth clarifying that the average above is still just that: an average. Some people may only require a handful of penetrative thrusts to board the train to O-land, and others might need quite a bit of time, coupled with stimulation at different erogenous zones. For example, just compare it to the idea of how long it takes to run a marathon. “Even if you tell me the average time is four hours, it might still take me two days,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. And let’s not forget that trusty old fable about the tortoise and the hare, because even with orgasms, faster doesn’t always mean better.

In fact, taking your eyes off the clock entirely could put your mind at more ease. And since the brain is a sexual organ, that mindset shift could be the difference between a full-body-quaking orgasm and none at all. “To experience sexual pleasure, the mind needs to be present and be able to focus on the physical sensations taking place,” says certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, PhD. That’s why factors like high stress levels, feelings of anger or disappointment with your partner, a preoccupation with reaching your orgasm, or being otherwise distracted can make climaxing difficult from the jump—whether you have no time or all the time in the world.

That said, we all have places to go and people to see. And if you can’t seem to figure out how to orgasm fast, it’s easy to grow impatient with your body. To that end, read on for the experts’ top tips for having a fast (and fruitful) orgasm on a deadline.

How to orgasm fast, according to the sexperts

1. Get well-acquainted with your own body ahead of time

No matter whether you’re planning to engage in partnered sex or have a solo moment, loving thyself requires knowing thyself. In other words, make like a body cartographer and map out your bits, says Rachel Allyn, PhD, a holistic psychologist and pleasure expert with Allbodies. Some suggestions: Rub your clitoris clockwise and then counterclockwise, diagonally and then side-to-side. Pinch and pull your nipples. Try finding your G-spot with a finger. Touch your own butt.

“Anatomical differences can explain why some women have an easier or harder time experiencing different types of orgasms,” says Dr. Allyn. Even the distance between the clitoris and the urinary opening can determine where you’ll feel the magic and where you just won’t feel, well, much. “The shorter the distance between the two, the more likely a [vulva-owner] is able to have vaginal types of orgasms—like G-spot and cervical—in addition to clitoral,” she adds. So, getting to know your own parts is a necessary prerequisite to making them feel good—and fast.

2. Find a vibrator you love, and put it to good use

To help you along the path toward self-exploration, you might enlist a tool that, unlike another person, is not operating with a time or energy limit. “Vibrators are simply able to move at constant speed and intensity in a way that a hand or finger is not,” says sexologist Jill McDevitt, PhD, who recommends a toy like the The Miracle Massager as a great first vibrator.

In particular, Dr. McDevitt also suggests using a toy to experiment with edging, aka prolonging an orgasm. Edging entails “building yourself up to orgasm, but backing off before the actual orgasm,” she says. Not only can this lead to longer, stronger orgasms when you do let them happen, but it also “teaches you to focus on the hot sensation of the buildup, and allows you to be okay with the ‘goal’ being prolonged.”

3. Communicate with a partner

Now that you know good and well what you like, don’t force a partner to guess. Start the conversation about what you like when you’re outside the bedroom, before you’ve started engaging in the act. “Most partners find enormous pleasure in the pleasure of their partner, and they willingly and readily accept this guidance,” says Dr. Richmond.

Plus, open communication may lead your partner to share what they like in bed, too. (Goodbye guessing games; hello, mutual satisfaction.) Not to mention, you can also keep the conversation going once the sex acts start by experimenting with dirty talk.

4. Do something intimate before sex

Sure, this may sound like additional work on both of your parts, but it’s really just making the conscious choice to shift your mind from TV-land or work mode or whatever else might be happening during your day to something a little more classically sexy. “Having an intimate moment before sex can help you feel turned on more easily,” says sexologist Rebecca Alvarez Story, founder of the intimacy marketplace Bloomi: “For example, having a glass of wine together, taking a bath together, or reading erotica to one another can help you feel more aroused from the start, making you more likely to orgasm faster.”

5. Get focused on the clitoris

If you’ve gotten explorative with solo play, you may have found that you don’t need much in-and-out to feel some type of way. That’s because, for most vulva-owners, the easiest type of orgasm to reach is the external clitoral one, says human sexuality professor Zhana Vrangalova, PhD. “The external clitoris is the part of the body that contains the greatest density of nerve endings that, when stimulated, can lead to pleasure,” she says.

To really zoom in on the clitoris, try incorporating a targeting sex toy into your sex play, like the Zumio S and it’s rotational wonders or the to-the-point Maude Vibe, or even a suction toy like Unbound’s Puff, which is practically optimized for clitoral stimulation.

“You could always give yourself or ask your partner to give you a quick clitoral orgasm at the start of sex or during foreplay,” says Story. “This will create a surge of oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that will make you feel ‘sex high’ throughout the rest of the session. Multiple orgasms are a lot easier for people with vulvas than they are for people with penises, so don’t assume you just need one big one with penetrative sex,” she says.

6. Teach a partner how to do the Kivin Method for climax

Amping up the oral part of any sexual experience can also help you orgasm faster. And one surefire way to do that is to incorporate the Kivin Method. Though it’s deceptively simple—it’s all about flipping things on their side—it packs a big punch for the unique way it can stimulate the clitoris.

“Instead of being licked up and down, which would miss out on stimulating the crura and bulbs (the arms and legs of the clitoris), licking occurs lengthways with the Kivin Method, meaning that stimulation is spread over a larger surface area,” sex and relationship therapist Annabelle Knight previously told Well+ Health. This simple switch can be so powerful that some folks with vulvas have reported climaxing from the Kivin Method in three minutes flat.

7. Stimulate multiple erogenous zones at once

“Many women enjoy heightened pleasure when their partner can do two things at once—kiss sensually and touch her clitoris, or stimulate her breasts orally and use a hand inside of her,” says Story. (Essentially, for some people, more really is more.) If a partner can successfully multitask, you’re not only more likely to orgasm faster, but you may also be able to mix up your sex life with the exquisite blended orgasm. Just like it sounds, that simply means you’re having not one but two or more orgasms simultaneously at different erogenous zones.

8. Invest in a good arousal oil

“A good arousal oil can help to increase circulation, promote vaginal wetness, and overall help you orgasm faster and stronger,” says Story. It’s basically a lovely little aphrodisiac in a bottle. One option we love? Bloomi Arousal Oil, a clean botanical mixture that can help you climb up to your climax way quicker when you use it before or during outerplay.

9. Practice mindfulness in the moment

Tuning into all the things you might feel while you’re having sex has the effect of shifting your brain’s attention to physical sensations, and in turn, cranking up their intensity. As noted above, that’s because the brain is deeply involved in the experience of sex and pleasure, with stimulation actually activating particular brain regions.

According to Dr. McDevitt, there’s no wrong way to practice mindfulness in order to reap bedroom benefits: meditation apps, mindful workouts, tantric masturbation, and this five-minute meditation for better sex are all great options, as is slowing down to take a few deep breaths in the heat of the moment.

When you’re present, it can also lead you to experiment more with your body and the ways it responds to different types of stimulation, like types of stroking and pace, as well as different erogenous zones being stimulated at once and different positions, says Dr. Allyn. And the more experimental you get, the more likely you’re going to land on a combination that sparks an orgasm quickly.

10. Try a grounding exercise

In the same vein as practicing mindfulness, if you’re ever in the midst of a sexual act and suddenly lose momentum, a simple reset can help. Dr. Richmond says to stop (and ask any partner to do so, too), then sit or lay with your eyes open in a comfortable position. Take five full inhales and exhales, then name five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. (Note: These don’t have to be sex-related features, but they can be).

“This will help bring you back to the moment and interrupt any thoughts you’re having about how long it’s taken you to orgasm in the past, or anxious feelings you’re having about how long it might take you now,” says Dr. Richmond.

11. Meet with a sex therapist or coach

“There are people who are well-trained to help,” says Dr. McDevitt. So if you’re continuing to feel self-conscious about any aspect of your orgasm, or it’s affecting your relationship with yourself or your partner, why not invest in a qualified sex coach or therapist? It’s a win-win all-around.

Sexual Activity

The real reason mood lighting works like a romantic magic trick

by admin on November 8, 2022

My very favorite cocktail bar is nearly a dead ringer for for Miss Havisham’s dilapidated mansion in the 1998 remake of Great Expectations. The main difference between the two venues? Candlelight. That’s presumably because when it comes to setting the mood, candlelight is a GD game-changer. Without it, I surely wouldn’t repeatedly stumble into the venue for a nightcap with my boyfriend (because, again, it would look like Miss Havisham’s dilapidated mansion). So I have to wonder: Is gaining the desired effect of mood lighting solely reliant on a material good you can buy en masse at Dollar Tree, or is it more so a state of mind?

Unfortunately there’s not much by way of scientific evidence to explain why the common mood since the beginning of romance itself is that candlelight is the move for when you mean business regarding matters of the heart. But, as one pro points out, there’s a good chance human beings have been into the amber glow for entire eras in large part because it makes you look good. “In general, most people tell me they like warm tones that feel soft and flattering against the skin,” says psychotherapist and sex therapist Vanessa Marin. And really, who doesn’t feel good when they feel they look good?

Setting the mood with lighting appeals to self-confidence

From my scientific research of introspecting about my own opinion and unofficially polling my friends for theirs, it’s clear that being intimate with the lights on full blast isn’t a popular desire. And at least one real recent scientific finding backs me up here: Results from a national online survey conducted by Harris Poll and commissioned by medical aesthetics company Cynosure note that 62 percent of participants prefer sex with the lights off. And 23 percent of the women who indicated a lights-off preference say it’s because they don’t want their partner to see their body.

Sure, it would be nice to be so Lizzo-level confident that you can feel in the mood even under the damning fluorescents of a Marshall’s dressing room. Like, really, amazing. But self-love and body positivity is a process, not a destination. The reality is that many of us don’t feel gorgeous every moment of every day, and as plenty of research has shown, worries about body image can negatively impact female satisfaction from sex.

So, with all of this information on the table, setting the mood with lighting can clearly function as a self-esteem compromise of sorts. “For a lot of people, having nice lighting is about feeling confident in their own skin,” Marin says. “Soft lighting helps them relax, and turn off their self-conscious brains.”

Sometimes this so-called “flattering” lighting can help with feeling present enough to enjoy the moment, and that extends to more than simply having sex. You could be in public, at dinner, eating spaghetti, and these feel-good vibes still apply. Lighting, it seems, can be a means for enhancing the mood in any sort of romantic-leaning situation.

How can I best illuminate my room?

When it comes to setting the mood for creating romance, let’s not forget all the sources of of light at our disposal beyond that from a candle. Preferably, far less flammable options. “I love Himalayan salt lamps for their warm glow,” Marin says. “I also like colored light bulbs. I have a Philips Hue light in my bedroom that I can control with my phone to be any shade I want. My husband and I have had fun experimenting with different shades and seeing how they affect our mood.”

And if you’re looking to play with the rainbow, there are more than a few hues to get you going. Bathing in an orange glow can help bolster your sex drive and playfulness, while purple is considered the sexiest bedroom color. And really, whatever you choose, the point is setting the mood with lighting isn’t sexy for the sake of being sexy. It’s about a flick-of-a-switch way to feel great about yourself—and setting the room to whatever brightness level and color makes you feel your best.

So, your favorite flavor is also a secret aphrodisiac: Garlic can rev up your sex life. And if you don’t know why you’re not in the mood recently, sexperts have some ideas of what might be tampering with your libido.

Sexual Activity

How To Reconnect With the "Fringe Friends" in Your Life

by admin on November 4, 2022

On one of the first sunny Saturdays of the summer—amid the ebb of the COVID-19 virus in New York City—my roommate met her friends for a picnic, and when she got home, the two of us debriefed. While her friends are people I’d hang out with occasionally in groups pre-pandemic, I wouldn’t necessarily call them my close friends. So while I hadn’t seen them in over a year, they also hadn’t made my list for coffee and drinks dates at this just-post-vaccine point in time. Which is why, when I asked my roommate how they were all doing, I was struck by the feeling that bubbled up: a pang of longing to see them.

“Why do I randomly miss your friends?” I joked to my roommate. But, to my surprise, she expressed the same sentiment about my close friends, whom she called her “fringe friends,” a term describing people who make up the supporting cast of friend characters in your life, falling just outside your closest crew.

As it turns out, however, it makes sense that we’d developed similar yearnings. According to mental-health professionals, fringe friends play an important role in bolstering levels of social health. But after a year-plus of pandemic lockdown, these relationships are the ones that have been pushed even further toward, well, the fringes of our lives.

What, exactly, is a fringe friend?

While “fringe friend” is not a clinical term used in psychology (though it has been cited in a few pockets of the internet), the professionals I spoke with were easily able to pinpoint the type of friends my roommate and I had independently come to miss: Those folks who fall somewhere between your inner circle and the set of loose acquaintances with whom you’re more friendly than real-deal friends. In other words, fringe friends are those friends-of-friends whom you’d typically see in the context of larger gatherings or events and engage in a casual catch-up conversation.

You’ll often have some sort of shared activity with fringe friends, but they aren’t the people with whom you’re going to be emotionally vulnerable, says psychologist and friendship expert Marisa G. Franco, PhD. “We also call this subset of people companionate friends,” she says. “They’re the ones who might be in your soccer league or improv class and whom you may really enjoy being around, but they also aren’t people whom you’d typically keep in touch with outside of that setting.” In some cases, you might call these friends “acquaintances,” and in others, merely “friends” (rather than “close” or “best” or “essential” friends). From a sociological perspective, they’re perhaps the closer set of people in your periphery with whom your share weak-tie connections.

Why fringe friends matter

When you maintain a variety of fringe relationships, you’re upping the chances that you’ll encounter a more diverse set of perspectives and opinions as you move about life. “Fringe friends can broaden our lives by allowing social ties with people different from ourselves whom we might not ordinarily seek out as close friends,” says psychologist and friendship expert Irene S. Levine, PhD. And, in turn, fringe friends can even open your eyes to new interests or hobbies that you might not have considered or expected to resonate with you.

Because these friends make up a key part of a wider social community, they can also shield against one of the three main types of loneliness, says Dr. Franco: “Intimate loneliness occurs when we don’t have a deep relationship with someone whom we can turn to in times of need; relational loneliness occurs when we lack an inner circle of friends; and collective loneliness happens when we lack a larger group working toward a common goal or enjoying a shared experience,” she says. “While a best friend or spouse can satisfy intimate loneliness, and a group of close friends can help you evade relational loneliness, fringe friends play a role in mitigating that collective loneliness.”

And, in this way, cultivating fringe friendships may also contribute to your overall wellness: Having a social network has been shown in a handful of studies to boost happiness and feelings of belonging, increase self-esteem, and even have a protective effect on cognition in older age. In fact, a sense of community is so closely tied to longevity, it’s one of the nine pillars of the Blue Zones lifestyle, a set of habits employed by the longest-living people in the world.

How the pandemic challenged fringe friendships

Because these fringe connections often hinge on a third element—like the group setting in which you’d typically socialize, the mutual third friend, or the event you always attended together—pandemic restrictions may have all but put the kibosh on many such relationships.

“Fringe friendships can certainly be lost when you can no longer access the activity that acted as the glue for those friendships,” says Dr. Franco. And that holds true even if the activity isn’t something so specific as going to concerts or sports games (which was largely not possible during lockdown), but more so just gathering at a third friend’s house—another pandemic no-go. “Friendships tend to be more sustainable in general when we can hang out in groups,” Dr. Franco adds.

While numerous virtual substitutes for keeping up with friends gained popularity during lockdown (from FaceTime and Zoom to plain old phone calls), many of these methods still fell short in the realm of maintaining fringe friendships, says Dr. Franco. Or, at least, they didn’t quite work as well as they did for staying in touch with close friends. “With a best friend, for example, you likely already had that script of talking on the phone or FaceTiming every once in a while pre-pandemic,” she says. “But with a fringe friend or friends with whom you’d never done that, trying to set up a video call was bound to feel pretty unnatural and may have even brought up fears of potential rejection, too,” she says.

In other words, scheduling a Zoom with a few fringe friends doesn’t really replace the social happenstance of running into them at a group gathering or event. Not to mention, the built-in awkwardness of any video-conference platform (thanks to lag time and the lack of body-language cues) compared to an IRL interaction is something it seems we were willing to endure for only the closest of our friends during lockdown, says Dr. Franco.

How to reconnect with your fringe friends

Just because the pandemic may have paused your fringe friendships doesn’t mean they’re gone forever. To revive them, the experts stress the upsides of taking the first step and reaching out for a friend date—or, at least, a date with a group of fringe friends.

Feel awkward about that? Dr. Franco suggests priming yourself for the interaction with the basic assumption that these fringe friends still very much like you, and will enjoy hanging out again. “We’re typically less likely to be rejected than we think we are,” says Dr. Franco, and that applies to fringe friendships, too. You can even wipe the slate clean—that is, just acknowledge from the jump that you didn’t interact for a year, and that that’s okay—and restart the relationship without any pretenses.

“Begin the conversation by first asking them how they’ve been doing, being sensitive to the fact that the pandemic resulted in many losses including health, employment, and financial ones,” says Dr. Levine. Then, to keep things casual, suggest a pandemic-friendly outdoor gathering where your fringe friends could simply stop by or try a version of whatever activity originally brought you together, whether that’s a chess club, game night, or something else entirely.

If that pre-pandemic activity feels a little stale, you could also try re-potting the friendships. “’Re-potting’ is a term used by a digital strategist named Ryan Hubbard,” says Dr. Franco. “It’s this theory that, when we vary the settings in which we interact, we get closer to one another.” So, if you’re looking to rebuild intimacy with fringe friends, try interacting with them in a new way, perhaps moving a social-media fringe friend to an IRL setting, or having a coffee date with a book-club friend. There’s no need for fringe friends to fill the exact same role in your life as they used to fill.

And if some of these friends seem to fill, well, no real role in your life now, that’s okay, too; for many, the pandemic prompted a realignment of priorities, perhaps in such a way as to make certain close or fringe friends feel less essential than others. In that case, it’s okay to let some of them go and even to create social boundaries, should you start fielding requests from those friends to hang out again.

“I think it’s important to understand where your current needs lie,” says Dr. Franco. “Are they around identity and community, or are they around deep intimacy? Are they around adventure and novelty, or comfort? The answer will be different for every person and can help guide you when you’re deciding whether or not you want to welcome more fringe friends back into your life.”

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Sexual Activity

It's not just you: Breakups can lead to physical pain, so here's how to deal

by admin on November 1, 2022

If you’ve ever gone through a traumatic breakup, you know how difficult the fallout can be. Aside from the emotional gymnastics you put yourself through trying to get some freaking clarity on what even went wrong, heartbreak can hurt. And I mean physically hurt. Whether you’re up all night, tossing and turning, finding yourself short of breath or dizzy, or experiencing a loss of appetite, there are sometimes physical symptoms that accompany a broken heart.

“What you’re experiencing are symptoms that are related to depression and anxiety,” says licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert Rachel Sussman, LCSW. “When people talk about physical symptoms around a breakup, that’s what I typically hear about.” Physical markers of breakup-induced anxiety and depression include sweating, dizziness, and tingling of the extremities, Sussman says. (Heck, research has even conflated feelings of love with addiction and rejection with drug withdrawals.) And while you don’t have to be prone to anxiety and depression to experience these effects, if one or both of the conditions are part of your life, Sussman says you’re much more likely to feel the physical woes.

And it doesn’t really matter if you’re the dumper or the dumpee when it comes to the literal pain of heartache—i.e. a reality dumpers of the world aren’t typically prepared for. “If someone is broken up with, they expect to feel some level of anxiety,” she says. “But if you’re the person doing the breaking up, you may not think that those feelings are going to happen—and they do.”

A lot of factors are at play when it comes to whether you’ll feel the crappy feels—and how long they may stick around. Namely, these include the length of time you’re in a relationship, whether you feel heartbroken or not, and whether you have a good support system around you. “If you’re someone who struggles with anxiety and depression normally, or you’ve got abandonment issues, it might take a while for these issues to resolve,” Sussman says. But if you’re generally a mentally healthy person, and you’re able to talk out your feelings with someone you trust, you can expect to feel sorted out in a few weeks.

But if you’re still finding that you’re not sleeping or are exhibiting other physical symptoms of a breakup long after the relationship’s end, then it might be time to get a professional involved, says Sussman. And remember: There’s no problem “too small” to take to a professional. So even though you may not feel like the situation necessitates seeing a therapist, if it’s keeping you from functioning in your daily life, then it absolutely is.

Otherwise, Sussman says the best course of action is to just focus and take care of you. “Just take care of your body and your soul,” she says.

Fresh off a breakup? Stream these things on Netflix for some relaxing self-care. And if you’re considering hypnotherapy to help with your healing endeavors, check out how it went for one editor who tried it.

Sexual Activity

Why 3 Is The Perfect Number of Matches on Dating Apps

by admin on October 27, 2022

You know how Goldilocks tried three bowls of porridge, and one was too cold, the other too hot, and one was just right? There’s a similar principle that applies to the number of matches you might have on dating apps at a given time: A person can have too few, too many, and an expert-recommended amount that they’re pursuing at once. What’s the sweet spot when it comes to the number of folks someone can create a meaningful connection with? According to one dating app expert, it’s three.

“First, to clarify, this is not about being careless with multiple minds and hearts,” says Laurel House, a relationship expert with dating platform eharmony. “Just because you’re dating a few different people doesn’t mean that you are superficial, flighty, or a player.” Rather, she says, it means you’re determining the best path forward for you to proceed.

Furthermore, it’s not cheating behavior, either. When you’re in the early stages of dating a new person, you have the right to connect with as many people as you’d like, so long as everyone involved is aware that this isn’t an exclusive dynamic. (There are also plenty of folks who are non-monogamous, and don’t have the goal to end up with one person anyway.)

But why seek out connections with three people—particularly if you’re ultimately only interested in a monogamous relationship? According to House, it’s a common inclination to view new relationships through rose-colored glasses. It makes sense why, too: If you’re putting your best foot forward with a potential mate, that entails believing they’re the best option for you. However, this positive mindset can also lead to a situation of focusing on just that person—even if there aren’t strong indications that they offer long-term compatibility.

“Dating only one person at once can create self-imposed pressure to make it work because all of your eggs are in one basket,” House says. “When you date multiple people, you tend to be clearer about what you actually need in a partner, and you are less likely to make excuses for them or ignore red flags.”

But, she doesn’t suggest dating your entire social network at once. The reason to not try to get to know more than three matches at a time is because “communicating with too many can numb your individual feelings,” says House. Essentially, it might be hard to tell how you really feel about someone if you’re unable to recall how you experienced them, which could certainly be the case if you’re working to catalog your emotions about a plethora of other people.

“It is difficult to have a confident, vulnerable, connected presence with more than three people [at a time],” says House. “You must be heart-opened, present, and aware within each individual relationship. That is difficult to do with more than three people,” perhaps because your memory gets foggy or because you don’t feel right sharing intimate details with that many strangers.

In order for a match or connection to be meaningful, House says all parties involved should have certain a level of honesty and vulnerability with each other. This doesn’t require you to share your deepest traumas (unless you’re comfortable doing so), but you should at least be talking about what you’d like and wouldn’t like from a potential long-term partner.

Ultimately, it’s completely up to you how many people you actually connect with on the dating app of your choice, provided everything is consensual and safe. But if you want to make meaningful connections, consider heeding House’s advice and picking your top three matches.

Oh hi! You look like someone who loves free workouts, discounts for cutting-edge wellness brands, and exclusive Well+ Health content. Sign up for Well+, our online community of wellness insiders, and unlock your rewards instantly.

Sexual Activity

Ever wanted to feel like a contortionist in bed? Get a sex pillow, stat

by admin on October 23, 2022

I haven’t pulled a muscle during sex, but it feels about as inevitable as a breakup announcement from a Bachelor couple. I can’t touch my toes, let alone throw my leg over my shoulder as if it were a scarf; my “splits” are about as acute as the Eiffel tower; and when I take the rare yoga class, I hoard the tools for modification (blocks, straps, blankets) like squirrel prepping for winter.

TBH, getting down with me is like getting down with the Tin Man, and while you don’t need to be flexible to have good sex, I often worry my rickety and distinct lack of flexibility limit my romps. And that’s precisely why I started looking into sex pillows.

First things first: Sex pillows and sex furniture aren’t new; in fact, there are more than 1,000 search results on Amazon for “sex pillow.” And after thinking about it, the concept makes total sense. “A sex pillow is to sex what a yoga block is to yoga,” says sex educator Alexandra Fine, CEO and co-founder of Dame, the sex-toy company that recently launched Pillo. “It helps you reach and achieve different angles and perspectives and supports your body in those positions.”

Whatever your gender, sexual orientation, or identification, a sex pillow can be of service. You can use it to lift your hips during missionary to allow for easier and deeper penetration with a partner who has a penis or is wearing a strap-on. (“This is especially helpful if your partner has a smaller penis or you have tight hips” says Fine.) Or the pillow can be flipped and used as a prop to decrease the depth of penetration and in such a way that makes reaching the G, A, and PS spots easier, Fine says. “How you choose to use it, depends on both partners’ anatomy. The angle of every vaginal canal and the curve of every penis are different.”

Other uses include boosting your bum for missionary anal, giving your partner something to bend over if you’re experimenting with pegging, and raising your hips during oral. “Put it beneath your hips for great cunnilingus that’ll be easier on your partner’s neck.”

Fine says the pillow can even be used during masturbation, whether to grind up against or change the angle of the dildo or vibrator. “During solo sex, I like to prop a vibrator on it and then then lay and grind against it,” she says.

In short: sex pillows are a sex and #self-care win—and I couldn’t wait to take one for a spin.

Photo: Dame; Pillo

The first time my sex-mate and I used our Pillo, we noticed it looks like a triangular version of a very, very stiff and nondescript airplane cushion, which Fine says is by design. “We didn’t want it to be something that screamed ‘sex’ because if you have to put it away between uses, you’ll be less likely to actually use it,” she says. “And unlike a pillow for your head, a sex pillow needs to be firm and dense enough to hold up your bodyweight and likely also another person’s body weight.”

At first we were a little overwhelmed by all its possible uses. Instead of focusing on the pleasure, we ended up basically playing human Jenga, experimenting with all the configurations Pillo made available and comfortable. But, after that team practice, we were ready for the championship game, and wowza. Not only was our session charley-horse-, cramp-, and hip-crack-free as we switched from missionary to doggy to oral, but we also lasted longer. I don’t mean our Go-to-O time was longer. Rather, thanks to the prop, we didn’t have to expend energy holding ourselves up, holding our legs open, or contorting our bodies. The result? Marathon sex brought to us by Pillo. And, once we were done, all we had to do was unzip the cover and pop it in the hamper. *Insert prayer hands.*

Ultimately, Pillo is able to support the things you want to do and try in (or out) of bed without feeling making you feel awkward or in physical pain. Plus, as Fine says, “When you’re not using it for sex it makes a nice backrest.”

For more sex intel, here’s the case for never asking a lesbian couple whether or not they scissor. And did you know there’s such a thing as a B-gasm (a boob orgasm)?

Sexual Activity

Are You Too Trusting of Others? Here's What To Know

by admin on October 22, 2022

Ever met someone—whether a friend, a coworker, or a potential romantic partner—whom you felt like you hit it off with immediately? Someone who possesses similar values and even share your interests? It’s natural to gravitate to people you click with in this way, and when it happens, you may—even if subconsciously—puts them in a prioritized category above others. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, but sometimes the associated eagerness and hopefulness for strong connection can shield us from seeing potential red flags in a person. And this is far from ideal when we’ve already decided they essentially cannot do any wrong—and trust that they won’t.

There are times when optimism can shift into delusional optimism, and this can lead people to be too trusting of others. That is, we may cling to visions of a positive person and disregard reality, facts, and other clear evidence that point to who a person really is. When we build someone up in our mind to be one thing, we want to remain hopeful that version of the person will become reality if it’s not—and often that doesn’t happen.

How does a person become too trusting of others or delusionally optimistic?

Let’s first unpack how trust is built: When we meet people whose behaviors, values, and beliefs align with our own, we tend to find a sense of safety with that person. That safety—whether false or not—is connected to trust.

People who display manipulative behaviors can be quite charming, which can lure others to trust them. Then, once trust is already built in a relationship, when the person begins to display characteristics with which we do not align and show themselves to be manipulative, abusive, or otherwise disrespectful, we may be more prone to defend them and their behavior or give them chances at redemption. That’s largely because we already made up our minds about who we think they are when we decided that they could be trusted. Furthermore, since we’ve already seen positive behaviors from a person, it can be tough to believe that they may not be acting in a trustworthy manner at any given point.

How can you spot when you might be too trusting and potentially missing crucial red flags?

I can point out two particular signs that I notice, as a practitioner, that are common to folks who might be too trusting:

1. You make excuses for other people’s poor behavior

A very common sign of being too trusting is when people commit acts that provide you with evidence to support that they’ve done something harmful, and you still make excuses for their behavior to give them another chance.

2. You feel like you’re often taken advantage of in your relationships

This is a sign that you could work on implementing boundaries and making decisions that won’t drain your energy or otherwise cause you harm. So, take for instance a friend who’s always asking to borrow money but never pays you back. Their intentions are clear, but your poor boundaries and trust for them blocks you from seeing that you’re being taken advantage of.

So how does someone work through this? The goal is not to become closed off and develop rigid boundaries that push people out, but rather to become more in tune with yourself, your needs and what you deserve in order to create healthier effective boundaries. Here’s how:

1. Be in tune with your needs and ask yourself if you are getting what you need out of your relationships.

We can assess what our needs are by determining what we like and what we don’t like, or what makes us feel uncomfortable. We cannot change others, and folks will show us who they are through their actions. Once that happens, instead of creating ideas of who they can be in your mind, be in tune with reality and accept them for who they are. Then work to set limits and protect yourself from possible harm.

2. Be in tune with what you deserve.

Sometimes, when we have poor self-esteem and self-worth, we allow ourselves to experience poor treatment from others. To stop this cycle, write down affirmations about what you think you deserve—not just in your relationships, but in general—and begin working to ensure your actions are in alignment with your word.

3. Trust your gut.

Sometimes we know when something is wrong and our gut is informing us that either someone doesn’t feel safe or that we need to make a change. Your gut generally guides you from a place of peace, whereas anxiety drives you from a place of fear. When you feel a sense of peace about how you feel about a person and how you’re being treated without having to make excuses for them, then lean into self-trust and erect boundaries to protect yourself.

Remember that boundary work is lifelong work. You may not become a pro at developing healthy boundaries overnight, but with time and consistent practice, you will find yourself becoming optimistic for a better life, rather than delusionally optimistic for things to change when the signs are clear that they may not.

Sexual Activity

5 major reasons why sleeping next to your S.O. is so freaking hard

by admin on October 21, 2022

Falling asleep—and staying asleep—can be a struggle even in the best of circumstances. A fluffy duvet and a California king-sized bed aren’t always enough to counteract bedtime anxiety, a crying baby, or neighbors who love to rock out to heavy metal at 2 a.m.

But an extra obstacle to getting that sweet, sweet shut-eye: your significant other. A 2018 survey of 2,000 people who live with their partner found that one in five people say their partner is the biggest reason why they have trouble sleeping. And having a partner snoring in bed was the biggest complaint on the list.

For more insight, I called two of the most respected sleep experts in the industry: Shelby Harris, Psy.D, C.BSM, who is the director of the behavioral sleep medicine program at the Sleep-Wake Disorders Center at Montefiore Medical Center (she’s also an assistant professor of neurology and psychiatry at Albert Einstein College of Medicine), and Charlottesville Neurology and Sleep Medicine owner W. Chris Winter, M.D., a sleep researcher, neurologist, and the author of The Sleep Solution.

Regardless of what the issue is, both experts stress that having the exact same sleeping preferences as your partner isn’t always in the cards—and that’s normal. The key is to approach it with compassion. “You should care about your partner’s sleep quality,” Dr. Harris says. “If you don’t—or they don’t care about yours—that’s a whole other discussion.”

Here, they share some of the biggest sleep problems for couples—and how to deal with them. If you dream of sharing a bed comfortably with your partner all night, keep reading and try putting these tips to good use.

Photo: Stocksy/Leah Flores

1. Snoring

“There are two ways to approach this,” says Dr. Harris. “One is what can the snoring partner do to minimize the snoring, and the other is what can the partner who is being kept up to do deal with the noise.”

The first step is for the snoring partner to get checked out by their doctor to rule out any sleep disorders, like sleep apnea (where breathing repeatedly stops and starts during sleep). “If you notice any pauses in their snoring, gasps, or choking, those are all signs,” Dr. Harris says. She also says anything that relaxes the muscles or loosens the airway, like alcohol, could lead to snoring, too. (So if your S.O. is really sawing some logs after a night out bar-hopping, you know why.)

Body position also plays a role. Dr. Harris says some people snore when they lay on their back—not on their right or left side. “There are actually special shirts you can buy that prevent you from rolling onto your back,” she says. “Or, you can DIY it by taking a shirt with a front pocket, wearing it backwards, and putting a tennis or racquetball in it.” Dr. Winter says elevating the upper body can also help—try placing an extra pillow under the upper back.

Want to take matters in your own hands? Earplugs are an obvious option. (Dr. Harris says to go for silicone ones over foam, which work better.) Dr. Winter says white noise machines can help too, particularly ones that are crafted to cancel out noise instead of merely covering it up, like Nightingale.

2. Tossing and turning

Step one for this issue is the same for a partner snoring: Have them get checked out by their doc to rule out more serious sleep probs. “Often, it actually is linked to a sleep disorder, like sleep apnea,” Dr. Harris says.

“After that, you have to take into account why the person is tossing and turning,” Dr. Winter says. “Is it insomnia and they’re moving around because they can’t fall asleep? Are they having breathing disturbances? Restless legs or muscle cramps? Is the mattress uncomfortable? These are all questions to ask.”

He also says a mattress that dampens movement transference is a great option, if it’s in your budget.

3. Different bedtimes

Maybe one person is a night owl while the other is an earlier riser. Or maybe different work schedules have forced different bedtimes. Either way, one person is often up staring at the ceiling while the other person is drifting off to dreamland.

“Shift work has made this very common,” Dr. Winter says. “I always ask people to figure out what part of the separate bedtimes is problematic. Is it light from opening the door? Noise being made? The mattress shaking when someone gets into bed?” Once you know, you can start problem solving, whether it’s by getting a mattress that isn’t as sensitive to movement, a white noise machine, oiling the door hinge so it doesn’t creak, or using a sleep mask.

He also says a pretty common solution is for couples to sleep together for part of the week, and separately on other nights. That way, there are at least a few nights a week where both people get uninterrupted sleep. “This idea that individuals are going to be perfectly synchronized is difficult,” he says.

Dr. Harris agrees, saying: “Sometimes you just have to accept that you have different body clocks and you do what you can. People have different body clocks and there’s nothing you can really do about it.” If it’s just a couple hours’ difference, her advice is to wind down in the den together, and then heading to bed separately. “I don’t love people using the bed for activities other than sleep or sex; the more time you spend teaching your body that the bed is a place to be awake, it can actually worsen insomnia and sleep problems later on,” she says.

Photo: Getty Images/South Agency

4. One person likes falling asleep with the TV on

Nearly two-thirds of people like to doze off with the TV on, but both experts say this is one popular habit not worth trying to compromise for. “Even though many people say it makes them feel calm, studies show it can keep you up,” Dr. Winter says. “It’s easier to train yourself how to fall asleep with the TV off than to train yourself on how to sleep with it on,” Dr. Harris adds. “We’re meant to sleep in a dark cave.”

“If the person who likes falling asleep with the TV on isn’t willing to budge, they could at least put it on a timer so it’s not just playing endless episodes of Friends all night long,” Dr. Winter says. He also recommends watching with Bluetooth headphones so the noise won’t wake the other person up. “But really, they need to learn how to sleep with the TV off,” he says.

5. One person likes it cold; one person likes it warmer

Disagreeing over the thermostat can also lead to bedtime probs. Dr. Harris says the ideal temperature for sleep is between 65°F to 70°F, so that’s a good baseline to start from. If that’s too cold for one person, they can cope with warmer PJs or an extra blanket. “Some couples use comforters of two different weights, one for one side, and one for the other,” she says. “That can make a big difference, too.”

If none of this seems to be working for you… “I actually recommend to some couples that they sleep in separate bedrooms,” Dr. Harris says. “You get in bed at the same time, be intimate for a little while and cuddle, but then when it’s actually time to go to sleep, you do it in different rooms. It actually reduces the pressure that you put on each other and gets rid of the resentment that can happen. Sleeping separately can be really freeing for a lot of people.”

Here’s what Elle Macpherson does to make sure she wakes up well-rested. And what you need to know about incorporating magnesium into your sleep routine.

Sexual Activity

5 Ideas for Socially Distant Celebrations To Make Milestones Special, Even in Quarantine

by admin on October 21, 2022

Life in the time of COVID-19 has meant changing many habits (like the way we spend time together, exercise, and even eat). It’s also meant either canceling or dramatically shifting many plans (like vacations, weddings, and maybe even moves). But one component of 2020 that gloriously hasn’t shut down is how much we love our loved ones. Because that reality remains steadfast, finding creative and meaningful ideas for socially distant celebrations to make milestone moments special—anniversaries, birthdays, pregnancy announcements, etc.—is essential for keeping spirits high and focus on positive components of life we can, in large part, still control.

Even while abiding by social distancing guidelines, it is definitely possible to make positive memories. Below, find five ideas for socially distant celebrations while keeping everyone safe and healthy.

5 ideas for socially distant celebrations to make milestones special, even during a pandemic.

1. Embrace small romantic gestures

Sweeping your partner off their feet with big romantic gestures, like a beachy getaway to celebrate an anniversary, may not be in the cards this year. That’s why Susan Trombetti, relationship expert, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, recommends using this time to embrace the art of small romantic gestures. For example, you could try writing a heartfelt note. “A love letter telling them about your feelings for them and appreciating the things they do for you, or [recounting] nostalgic memories is so much more meaningful and safe than visiting a crowded, touristy town, anyway” she says.

2. Create personalized videos to celebrate birthdays

While you may not be able to gather all your friends and family in the same physical location to toast for a birthday this year, you can still spread the love by creating personalized movies to commemorate the occasion. You don’t have to be a tech wiz to do it, either: Many free apps let you stitch together photos and video clips from your phone into a little movie within minutes. iMovie (for iOS users), InShot, and Smilebox are just a few options.

To do it, have friends and family send you their favorite photos, video clips, and video messages to include and then have a virtual viewing party on the big day. “This is great for remaining socially distant while touching someone deeply and creating something unique and personal to them,” Trombetti says. “It also allows for everyone to participate.”

3. Host pregnancy announcements and gender reveals via Zoom

If you’re someone who wants to announce baby news to friends and family in a big way, you should be able to do so. But instead of doing it via an in-person gathering, Trombetti recommends hosting a virtual party via Zoom to share the good news. You can still go all out with decorations and creative ways to share the message, and the best part is that this way, you can record the entire thing to have everyone’s reaction on camera.

4. Have a car parade

Local car parades are another fun way to celebrate any big moment with loved ones. “I love the idea of organized parade parties and drive-by birthdays for little kids, friends’ birthdays, or your grandparents celebrating their golden anniversary while the honoree stays safe on the porch or front yard,” Trombetti says. “There is so much excitement in the air, and everyone’s unique spin and creativity are fabulous and safe.” Bonus: There’s no mess to clean up afterward.

5. Send gifts—and share in them together online

Even if it’s not their primary love language, everyone loves receiving a good gift. Whether your best friend just had a milestone birthday or your favorite aunt got a job promotion, sending a thoughtful gift may mean the world to them and let them know you’re thinking about them. You could also order them an entire dinner via delivery and hop on Zoom for a celebration dinner together, just like you would have done in person.

Oh hi! You look like someone who loves free workouts, discounts for cult-fave wellness brands, and exclusive Well+ Health content. Sign up for Well+, our online community of wellness insiders, and unlock your rewards instantly.

Sexual Activity

OK, TMI: Can you get…stretched out from butt play?

by admin on October 2, 2022

Anal sex and butt play are like pineapple skin care: If you’re not trying it for yourself, there’s a good chance you’re at least curious about it. And considering butt play can lead to A-plus orgasms no matter your anatomy (shout-out, prostate and A-spot), the interest makes total sense. Butt still (had to), because sex-ed left so many of us confused by every innocuous topic under the sun, whether you’re already an Anal Pro™ or you’re someone who can see yourself testing those back-door waters in the future, you might wonder whether butt play can stretch you out or even cause permanent damage.

Good news first: “The short is answer is no. In safe anal play, there should be no long-lasting effects,” says Alicia Sinclair, certified sex educator and CEO of b-Vibe, an anal play product company.

But there’s a longer answer, too, and it requires a quick anatomy lesson: The rectum is the last part of your large intestine, which leads to the anus, says Evan Goldstein MD, CEO and founder of Bespoke Surgical, a sexual-wellness company specializing anal-related health. “There are actually three sets of muscles that comprise the anal sphincter, which is the last part of your anus.” Two of these muscles are voluntarily controlled (relaxed and contracted), while the third operates involuntarily. For pleasurable and “successful” anal, all three of these need to be relaxed. How? Foreplay.

Get all the erogenous zones in on the action in order to optimize your body’s ability to relax and, thus, relax the sphincter, says Sinclair. Also, lube. “Lube is a complete necessity—not just for helping to minimize injury, but also for maximizing everyone’s pleasure,” Dr. Goldstein adds, specifying not to opt for a warming or cooling or numbing variety. “People use these desensitizing lubes in order to not feel anal pain during play. The problem with this is that anal sex shouldn’t be painful. And if it is, it’s a signal that you should stop or slow down.” Basically, these lubes interfere with your ability to ‘hear’ your body’s warning sirens. Furthermore, without the proper prep, Dr. Goldstein says you open yourself to the risk of injury and decidedly not-fun situations, like pain, the tearing of anal tissue, and even permanent dysfunction.

And while being really, really prepped every time should keep you safe from anal play having any lasting side effects, the fact that the sphincter is comprised of muscles offers certain pros and cons. On one hand, “muscle has memory so it gets used to relaxing,” says Dr. Goldstein. That’s why some people say anal sex gets “easier” and more comfortable the more often you do it.

But just as you can overstretch your hamstring in yoga, you can also overstretch your sphincter during anal. “It is possible to push the anal sphincter muscles with a toy, cock, or fist beyond their ability to recoil and snap back. Looseness occurs if one continues to push the boundaries of their anal muscle elasticity,” says Dr. Goldstein. So, repeatedly engaging in activities that test your body’s elasticity over time can certainly lead to getting stretched out, he adds.

However, your body will usually alert you via pain that what you’re doing isn’t A-okay with your a-hole before you reach a point of no return. That’s why both experts say the fear of damage shouldn’t stop you from exploring butt play and pleasure with a partner you trust.

To tame your worries, practice preventative measures, like kegels and pelvic-floor strengthening moves. Sinclair says that, yup, those famous do-anywhere vaginal-strengtheners also lend themselves to your anal sphincter. You might try strengthening them Hilaria Baldwin-style.

With a proper warm-up, lube, and exercises, you and your anal sphincter will be great, but if you do suffer any kind of injury, seek advice from a doc who specializes in sexual health. “Find an expert who uses a professional approach to sexual wellness, because there are options to assist in remedying these rare but less than ideal outcomes,” Dr. Goldstein says.

Speaking off butt sex…Want to try pegging? Here’s what you need to know, according to sexperts. Plus, learn whether or not you should be worried about imbibing a bit of period blood during a sexcapade.