A 107-year-old woman says the secret to long life is being single forever

by admin on June 18, 2022

Is the key to living a long life… solitude? Bronx resident Louise Signore, 107, credits her longevity to the fact that she’s held on to her status as an independent woman. “I think the secret of 107: I never got married. I think that’s the secret,” she told CNN affiliate WBCS. I’m getting some serious Cher-circa-1996 vibes right now (a man is like dessert—not necessary). Signore is an icon. Basically, the centenarian’s relationship advice: don’t. Signore also exercises regularly, eats healthy, and plays Bingo, which obviously factors into her overall health. But I’m choosing to narrow the focus to the benefits of being single.

There’s actually research to suggest myriad advantages to a life of solitude. (I swear I’m not just saying this to make myself feel better.) One study found that marital stress can be a precursor to depression. Unsociability can also help you be more creative, as you have more time to be introspective. I’m taking this as permission to retreat to my couch and watch Netflix instead of going on a date. Also, as I’ve previously discussed, sleeping alone is simply the best. (Though the science is a little torn on whether or not people who sleep alone sleep better—to which I say, you do you.) However, if being alone scares you, you’re not… well, alone. A recent study found that people would rather give themselves an electric shock than be alone with their thoughts.

“We’re afraid of being single because single life is stereotyped and stigmatized in society; people think that if you’re single, there must be something wrong with you, and no one wants to feel that way about themselves,” psychologist Dr. Bella DePaulo told Vice. She also said that the research surrounding solitariness “suggests it’s really good for creativity, restoration, personal growth, spirituality, and for relaxation.”

Suddenly, I’m feeling much better about the fact that my search history includes “health benefits of being single forever.” (This story was… not the first time I have Googled this.)

If you’re feeling very blah about being single, here are some science-backed tips to help you be single and happy.

Sexual Activity

The most romantic day of the year is not February 14—here's when to mark your calendar

by admin on June 17, 2022

If your Valentine’s Day is likely to end like mine—on the couch in stretchy pants, watching Netflix while eating Thai takeout—you may be relieved to know that, astrologically speaking, February 14 is not the most romantic day of the year.

Indeed intuitive astrologer and healer Rachel Lang suggests marking four other days this year with heart-eye emojis. Two are next month, which means you just have to hold on to your spring rolls for another couple of weeks before you can replace them with an object of affection that is human.

Below, Lang explains how each of the four Valentine’s Day alternatives not invented by capitalism will be supercharged for the type of romance you can’t buy from the Trader Joe’s floral section at the last-minute.

The most romantic days of the year, according to the universe

1. March 8, 2020

Because Venus stands next to Uranus, the planet of change, March 8 could bring sudden changes in relationships. “This is the day to express your feelings to your crush or ask someone out on a whim,” she suggests.

The Sun and “dreamy” Neptune are in conjunction on this day as well. “Things may not be clear, or you may not have a sense of the future, but indulge in the experience of being in love,” Lang says. If you find yourself single on March 8, it’s a good time to find closure around a past relationship. “For all of us, it’s a time to imagine the possibilities for our love lives,” she says. “For Pisces and Taurus, it’s time for a beautiful new beginning in love.”

2. March 28, 2020

“Venus trines Jupiter, and the Moon joins in as well,” says Lang. “This is a highly romantic day, one in which you can easily overlook some of your partner’s faults or some of the challenges in your relationship. For anyone who’s single, this is a day when you might feel some hope and be less jaded about love.”

This transit, Lang says, is especially favorable for earth signs—Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. “Pisces and Cancer will enjoy it, too,” she adds.

3. August 27, 2020

Jackpot! Lang says this is by far one of the most romantic days of the year… for everyone. “A Venus trine Neptune transit heightens the feeling of love and compassion,” she says. “This is the type of influence that allows you to see the very best in others, without judgment or criticism.”

Jupiter is involved in this as well, Lang says, as Venus opposes it. “This influence suggests we might feel a swell of romantic emotions and want to indulge all day,” she says. “It’s a perfect date night or a great influence for whisking your love away on a spontaneous getaway.”

Water signs Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces will feel this the most, as will Capricorn and Taurus. “Libras tend to feel these romantic transits no matter how their sun sign is aspected,” says Lang.

4. December 14, 2020

On this day, Lang says we have a Venus-Jupiter sextile, which sounds like a X-rated thing the kids are doing these days but it actually means that the planets will be 60 degrees apart. “Because Saturn’s involved, this is a time when you might want to make a deeper commitment, especially if you’re an earth sign,” she says. “We could see some proposals around this time, or at the least, see people deciding to take the next step!” (Cue every girl expecting a ring this year letting out a silent scream.)

Even Sagittarians, she says, could decide to make the next move on this most romantic day of the year. “The Sun and moon will be in Sagittarius that day, and they will feel the influence of the New Moon, and the fresh start it will be for their love life,” Lang explains. “Aquarius will feel it as well, because the outer planets Jupiter and Saturn will be moving into their sign very soon after; this day will be an invitation for them to express the desires of their hearts.”

With that said, Lang notes that Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer, and Scorpio will likely feel the influence the most, making the the single most romantic day of the year.

Personally, I’m a bit bummed there’s nothing here specific to my sign, Aries, but given that Thai food has never broken my heart, I could be okay to go another year hiding from love in a bowl of green curry. Besides, it always shows up for me when I need it, and if that’s not the height of romance, I don’t know what is.

Don’t have plans with your sweetheart this weekend? Try this not-too-cheesy, easy date idea guaranteed to reignite those early-days flames. Or, if you’re single, here are some romance novels to get you through.

Sexual Activity

7 Greek Words for Love: Which Have You Experienced?

by admin on June 13, 2022

Consider the many contexts for which people use the word “love.” You can love your mom for always protecting you and being on your side. You can love your best friend for laughing with you and being the first to answer your texts. You can also love your romantic partner in a far more intense, intimate, and passionate way than your other relationships. And while some people may be catching up just now, the ancient Greeks seemed to understand the concept well—in fact, Greek words for love abound.

Though all of these forms of love are driven by affection and attachment, they’re all distinct. There are seven words in the language that describe love in all its nuanced forms, rather than just applying one word to several contexts.

Below, learn about all seven Greek words for love. With any luck, you’ll be able to identify and experience each form in your lifetime—if you haven’t already.

The 7 Greek words for different types of love

1. Eros: romantic, passionate love

Eros is passion, lust, pleasure. It’s an appreciation for one’s physical being or beauty, and is driven by attraction and sexual longing. It describes desire and is most similar to what we think of as romantic, passionate love between life partners. At least in the earlier stages of courtship, when everything is wildly hot and you can’t get enough of each other, that is.

In Greek mythology, Eros was the son of Aphrodite, the goddess of love. “Eros, over time, may turn into a deeper type of love that encompasses a lot of the other types mentioned below, like philia, storge, agápe,” says Greek licensed marriage and family therapist Ekaterini Constantine, LMFT.

Usually, eros is directed toward another person, but you can (and should) also experience this with yourself, adds Constantine. “Simply put, exploring eroticism starts with oneself. A quick way to explore one’s eroticism is by being curious about one’s body.” From there, you can probably show someone eros by exploring their body.

2. Philia: intimate, authentic friendship

Philia is characterized by intimacy, knowing, and soul-to-soul bonds. It’s encouraging, kind, and authentic; the stuff from which great friendship is made, regardless of whether it’s with a platonic best friend or a romantic partner. This love is also based in good will, or wanting what’s best for the other person. Philia is a connection akin to that of soulmates; it’s one part destiny, another part choice.

“Philia, friendship, is a relationship that can be created between two or more people who may share core values such as love, faith, understanding, freedom, joy, honesty and commitment,” says Constantine. “Friendships are emotional in nature and are cultivated over time through mutual care.”

To show you care, then, you might consider doing a favor for a friend or going on an errand date with them, where you both can cross off things on your respective (and potentially overwhelming) to-do lists.

3. Erotoropia or ludus: playful, flirtatious love

According to Constantine, ludus is of Latin origin and is actually known as erototropia in Greek. “Erototropia is a child-like love that is sometimes seen in the beginning stages of romantic relationships,” she says, adding that it’s defined by playfulness.

This can also be a non-committal type of love—like when you banter with your best friend. To demonstrate this type of love, consider “engaging in playful conversation, laughter, teasing, dancing, flirting, seducing, and dancing,” says Constantine.

To be sure, though, erotoropia and ludus might also be the love you’d experience with a fling—casual, sexual, exciting, and with zero implications of obligation.

4. Storge: unconditional, familial love

“Storge is more like affection or a familial type of love and is a gentler experience of care,” says Constantine. “[It] makes you feel safe and cared for—and it’s not passionate

in nature.” You might love your sister, even if you don’t like her, for instance, and you might love your dad, despite the mistakes he made in raising you.

Storge is driven by familiarity and need and is sometimes thought of as a one-way love. For instance, consider a mother loving her baby before the baby is aware enough to love her back. Storge can also describe a sense of patriotism toward a country or allegiance to the same team.

To show that you feel this Greek term for love toward another, Constantine recommends listening reflectively, providing undivided attention, spending quality time, and showing

curiosity.

5. Philautia: compassionate self-love

Google Translate will tell you that philautia means “selfishness,” but this term is a little more nuanced than that. In fact, says Constantine, “self-compassion” might be a better term for this form of love. It encompasses two concepts: The first is that healthy, feelin’ yourself, care-based love that reinforces self-esteem, like buying yourself a new book as a gift for completing a big work project or putting on a face mask to relax and take care of your skin. But it doesn’t have to be materialistic.

“Self-compassion looks like giving yourself tenderness, nurturance, and understanding, cultivating self-awareness, listening, and honoring your body and its needs,” says Constantine. “A great way to start practicing philautia is through mindfulness, which is simply the act of focusing on what you’re sensing and feeling in the here and now without judgment.”

That said, Google Translate wasn’t completely off: The other concept is one of selfishness, which can be pleasure- and fame-seeking and highly concerned with status. It can even be the foundation of narcissism.

6. Pragma: committed, companionate love

Pragma is a love built on commitment, understanding, and long-term interests, like building a family. As mentioned above, over time, eros can turn into pragma as a couple grows to honor, respect, and cherish each other, accepting of differences and learning to compromise.

Pragma is everlasting love rooted in romantic feelings and companionship. “Pragma, in love terms, is a more values-based system one uses to find what we call ‘compatibility,’” Constantine says.

7. Agápe: empathetic, universal love

Agápe is love for others that’s inclusive of a love for God, nature, strangers, or the less fortunate. It’s generally an empathetic love toward humanity itself and is sometimes connected to altruism since it involves caring for and loving others without expecting anything in return. This sort of pay-it-forward love—people helping others selflessly—is the foundation of great societies and communities.

“Agápe is characterized by unconditional positive regard, acceptance, faithfulness and commitment,” says Constantine. “Becoming involved in one’s community by volunteering is an easy way to show this type of love,” she says.

So, the next time you talk about loving someone—as a friend, as a lover, as a human—consider keeping in mind the Greek words for love so you can articulate more precisely the unique shades of the single emotion.

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Sexual Activity

The case for not cutting your narcissistic best friend out of your life

by admin on May 30, 2022

I understand the reasoning for cutting toxic people out of your life, yet I often worry that ridding my contacts list of those who suffer from nuanced personality disorders like narcissism isn’t morally sound. After all, developing a personality disorder isn’t a choice, and while people who suffer from them can sometimes work to alter their behavior patterns, they can’t necessarily change who they are. That reality does not make them inherently bad or unworthy of human relationships so much as complex and complicated. And I’m staunch in my opinion about this, largely because of my experience of being friends with a narcissist whom I refuse to cut out of my life.

For background knowledge, “a narcissist is a person who lacks empathy, is deeply entitled, grandiose, often quite superficial, chronically seeks external validation and admiration, has difficulty managing things like disappointment, and will often—when frustrated or disappointed or stressed—manifest those emotions with rage they can’t manage,” says clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD, author of Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. “At the core, they’re deeply insecure.” Narcissists tend to have a lot of difficulty with situations wherein they feel unimportant, less than, or ordinary, adds clinical psychologist Aimee Daramus, PysD. “They have to feel like the most special person in the room, however they define that,” she says. In short, they can be energy vampires and difficult to be around—let alone depend on for any type of bidirectional relationship.

A narcissistic friend can be a “healthy” narcissist

That said, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and some people can actually be healthy narcissists whom you’d be wise to actively not cut out of your life. “There’s no such thing as a ‘bad’ personality. What we often think of as personality disorders occur when a personality is taken to an extreme,” Dr. Daramus says. “So, a healthy narcissist is someone who is very confident, very comfortable promoting themselves or negotiating for themselves, very assertive. They can be a really good person to have in your corner when you’re not feeling particularly confident or if you’re having a hard time doing something.”

In terms of unhealthy narcissists, though, there’s also a range, like the type Dr. Durvasula calls “low-grade jerks,” who might be entitled or self-obsessed but don’t typically have all the traits of a full-blown narcissist, especially given that they’re able to empathize when pushed. You also might encounter malignant, dangerous, and exploitative individuals, who exhibit all the traits of narcissists that Dr. Durvasula clustered together. “Both are relatively unpleasant people, but where one might be not a very nice person—but tolerable—the other one could be dangerous,” she says of these two archetypal examples. “So, there’s a difference.”

In my case, I’ve found being friends with a narcissist to be inspirational at times given his enormous confidence and assertiveness. That said, I’d be hard-pressed to label him as a healthy narcissist. He more comfortably fits in the “low-grade jerk” category; I’ve been on the receiving end of his frustrated rage, which in rare moments has felt psychologically demeaning.

What is common, though, in the dynamic of our relationship is how frustrating it is for me to tiptoe around the issue of his narcissism. His bottomless need for attention and inability to process criticism or hear someone out regarding their feelings is angering. And his tendency to believe he is superior to everyone in every situation is excruciating. Still, he’s not all bad and has always been loyal and there for me when I need him.

And, just as he is a human being with human imperfections and complications, I am too. Sure, I’ve contemplated whether I’d be happier if I ended our friendship, vacillating frequently between feeling as though my life would be less stressful without him in it and then immediately feeling equally grateful for his presence in it. What I’m still unclear about, though, is whether narcissists like my friend can only exist in my life at the expense of my own well-being. Especially without any meet-me-in-the-middle sacrifice on his part.

Is being friends with a narcissist possible?

In short, it depends. “Reflect on whether being with this person is unhealthy,” Dr. Durvasula says. Ask yourself, “‘Are they leaving me with a feeling of self-doubt? Do I feel manipulated by them? Are they saying things that chronically hurt me? Are they invalidating me?’ If the answer is ‘yes’ and you’re still spending time with them, my next question is ‘Why?'” she says. Furthermore, while it technically is possible for a narcissist to change, so long as they’re willing to put in very hard work, Dr. Daramus says most don’t. “Narcissists do not volunteer for therapy; they go into therapy if they are forced or pressured into it. They have to be faced with a serious loss to change.”

After lots of work with my own therapist, I’ve accepted that my friend simply isn’t doing that work. And yet, I still don’t want to cut him out of my life completely. He doesn’t uniformly leave me feeling badly, but rather, in specific circumstances that are triggering for him. I’ve essentially decided to take the good with bad, the loyal with the unpredictable. And the pros say there are strategies at my disposal that can make this choice a healthy one in the scope of my own life.

Tip 1: compartmentalize

In cases like mine—and when it’s not simple to cut someone out of your life because they’re a co-worker or family member—one solution Dr. Durvasula offers is to compartmentalize them. “I absolutely think workarounds are quite possible,” she says. “Some people may be great in quick bursts—like they’re great to have at a party but they would be terrible to travel with for a week. However, a toxic person can’t typically turn it off, so [no matter what], they still may let it rip.”

tip 2: Be direct and open

If compartmentalizing in this way isn’t possible, another option is to name the toxic behavior out loud to the narcissist. “It’s helpful if you can get very specific, like, ‘Here’s how you spoke to me, and it made me feel bad, so if you want to be around me, that’s something I need you to not do’—and let them make the decision,” says Dr. Daramus. And if you, like me, balk at this suggestion, because the narcissist friend in your life doesn’t handle any kind of critique well, she says to sandwich the criticism between two compliments or expressions of gratitude. “Always emphasize the stuff that’s going to make them feel special or important or best, and then work in the other stuff ,” Dr. Daramus adds.

Ultimately, it’s nearly impossible to affect a narcissist’s behavior—and incredibly difficult for them to even affect their own. Undoubtedly this makes actually being friends with a narcissist difficult, so you can either cut them out of your life, set up boundaries to keep them in your life in certain capacities, or leave the decision up to them by asking them to make changes they likely can’t or won’t make. But first, and most importantly, decide what you need from a friendship and whether this one stacks up because all you can control is your own choices and behaviors, no matter what you ask of someone else—narcissist or not.

Worried you might be the narcissistic friend? Here’s how to tell. Or, try this psychologist-approved survey. Plus, if you’re dating a narcissist, here’s how to break up with them for good.

Sexual Activity

7 Elements of Friendship, According to Friendship Experts

by admin on May 23, 2022

Friendships are living breathing things—just like the people who are in them. That’s to say, they can change over time, growing stronger or weaker due to any number of factors, from personal life events (like moving to a new place, changing jobs, or getting married) to broader shifts in how we tend to interact (as a result of the growing influence of technology on relationships) and even just the simple passage of time. But even as relationship dynamics ebb and flow, there are a few core elements of any good friendship, whether close or distant, that tend to hold constant.

Broadly speaking, most of the key qualities of good friendship hinge on a simple tenant of any relationship: being present. Or, as friendship researcher and coach Madison Romney puts it, being “psychologically available” to the other person.

“Although our attention is easily consumed or deflected these days, when we deliberately direct it away from distractions and toward our friends, it activates a sense of strong, mutual connection,” says Romney. That presence of mind is something a friend will feel and appreciate, no matter the circumstance or even the rung or level at which this friend exists in your life—whether they’re a “best” or essential friend, a fringe friend, or anything in between.

These differences in intimacy among your friends, however, do affect just how strong a role each of the below elements of friendship will play in the relationship, says counseling psychologist and friendship expert Marisa G. Franco, PhD. As you might imagine, the closer the friendship, the more essential each of these factors will be in ensuring it continues to thrive.

Below, the experts share the elements that make up a healthy friendship and why they’re so necessary for keeping that bond intact over time.

The 7 core elements of friendship, according to friendship experts

1. Reciprocity

Any party to a friendship has to both give and take, says Dr. Franco: Too much giving, and you’ll start to resent the other person; too much taking, and you’re not upholding your half of the friend bargain. “Essentially, you both need to consent to the relationship because of the responsibility it entails,” she says.

That also means agreeing on just how much giving and taking you’ll each be doing. “A friendship will work best if you consider each other as the same caliber of friend,” says Dr. Franco, referencing a scale created by friendship researcher and author Shasta Nelson. “For example, if you rate a friend as a 10 and they rate you as a five on a scale of one to 10, then you have a misalignment of expectations where you’re expecting a 10-level of investment in the relationship—which might look like inviting you to everything or showing up when you’re sick—but they’re only expecting half that amount of effort,” she says. Getting on the same page about where you fall in someone’s broader friendship scheme (and where they fall in yours) can help you avoid either letting a friend down or being let down.

2. Support

Difficult scenarios tend to separate our closest friends from our less-close ones for a reason: Depth of intimacy requires a friend having your back, not only when doing so is easy, but also when it’s painful or tough. “Celebrating a friend after they have a baby is just as vital as consoling them through a job loss,” says Romney. Though this dimension of support will vary across the friendship spectrum (that is, not every friend is going to be the one that visits you at the hospital), the idea is that the level of support—like the energy you pour into a relationship, generally—is matched and reciprocated.

This is tied to the idea of mutuality in a friendship, too, adds Dr. Franco. “That means you’re able to consider not just your needs, but your friend’s needs, as well, in all scenarios,” she says. For example, if your friend were to bail on your birthday party because they had to go to the hospital, you’d be able to understand, ‘Okay, I have my need for them to come to my birthday, and they have their need to go to the hospital,’ and from there, you’d be able to weigh both needs in perspective. In doing so, you’d come to the conclusion that, in this case, their need outweighs yours—but, of course, in another situation, it might be the reverse.

3. Boundaries

Setting boundaries might sound like erecting a wall between you and a friend rather than allowing for the flow of intimacy. But in practice, boundaries can actually help outline how you’ll navigate your relationship in a way that takes both people’s needs, desires, and expectations into account, says Romney. “Setting a boundary with a friend can be as simple as being clear about what days of the week you can or can’t hang out, what activities make you uncomfortable, or what you need from them to feel supported and loved,” she says.

For more expert advice about the importance of boundaries and how to set them, listen to the Well+ Health Podcast episode on this topic below.

4. Affection

It might sound obvious, but you actually have to like a friend better than you would a stranger in order for the friendship to work. “You don’t necessarily have to love them, but you do need to hold them in positive regard and act in a way that shows your affection,” says Dr. Franco. (By contrast, one of the most common traits in toxic relationships is one or both people tearing the other down.)

“A healthy friendship is one that fills you up with energy and positivity more often than draining your emotional resources,” says Romney. Often, someone might stay in a negative or draining friendship merely because they’ve been in it for a long time or because they don’t think they have handy alternatives, says Dr. Franco. “But when they actually evaluate, ‘Do I like this person?,’ they might realize that they don’t—and that alone can cause the friendship to suffer.”

When you do like a friend, a spiral of positivity unfolds: “Showing a friend that you like them makes them more likely to feel secure in the relationship, and, in turn, to act in pro-relational ways, which can then deepen and strengthen the relationship,” says Dr. Franco.

5. Ease

A friendship can flourish only when both people in it feel comfortable around each other. “If you always feel like you need to be on guard or like you’re walking on eggshells, you won’t reap the social-health benefits of true friendship,” says Dr. Franco.

In that vein, a good friendship also has to be void of any power dynamic, she adds: “If one person holds more power than the other, the second person can never really be at ease, or have the latitude to be their authentic self and get their needs met.”

6. Vulnerability

“When we share privileged information, disclose personal feelings, and accept support, we build intimacy in our friendships,” says Romney. While this element of friendship will be that much more potent with a close friend, feeling able to share some degree of personal information with any friend is necessary for a below-surface-level connection. An ability to be vulnerable is also both an indicator that you have a foundation of trust in place (which is necessary for basically any relationship) and a way to foster even more trust, too.

7. Predictability

While any friendship can ebb and flow over time, some consistent sense of forward momentum is necessary to keep it intact. In other words, there need to be clear expectations for the level of communication and connection you’ll have with a friend, whether that means texting every day, calling every week, or getting together for a longer catch-up once a month, says Romney.

When that coalesces into a rhythm, it breeds (even more) trust: Each person can rest assured that when they reach out, they can expect a response in return. And the more this pattern repeats itself, the more readily they’ll be able to predict what that response may be, says Dr. Franco, which just makes both people that much more comfortable getting vulnerable—a positive friendship cycle that reinforces itself.

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Sexual Activity

30 Questions To Ask Your Parents for a Better Relationship

by admin on April 22, 2022

It’s often easier to forget that your parents are full, complete people—with their own friends, problems, stresses, and victories—beyond the scope of being your parent. But reducing anyone to just one part of who they are can make it difficult to build a relationship with them on a holistic level. To set the foundation for a more well-rounded relationship with your parents, then, it might behoove you to ask them questions to get to know them as full people.

In This Article

01 Before asking your parents questions
02 Bonding questions to ask your parents

In addition to helping you get to know them better, asking your parents questions about themselves can also help you accept them despite their shortcomings, says licensed marriage and family therapist Christiana Awosan, PhD. After all, none of us are perfect.

“Once you start getting to know your parents, you start realizing that they’re also humans who have made mistakes,” she says. “They’ve had horrible things happen to them and good things happen to them.” Understanding that your parents, like you, have personal experiences outside of being your caregiver gives you the ability “to really see them as human beings whom you can connect with,” adds Dr. Awosan.

Of course, some behaviors are inexcusable. With this in mind, the exercise of asking your parents questions to get to know them isn’t for the purpose of clearing the slate of any trauma, necessarily, but to develop understanding. (And in the case that such trauma does exist in your relationship, it’s best to seek the care of a licensed professional to help you work through it.)

Additionally, as children grow up, their relationship with their parents should change. Especially once the child is an adult, a less-hierarchical approach to this relationship is ideal, says counselor Liz Higgins, LMFT, founder of Millennial Life Counseling in Dallas. Asking your parents questions about who they are changes that I-know-best dynamic, because you’re curious about them and not just looking to them when you need something. But before you jump into the line of questioning, the pros have a few tips to keep in mind.

What to keep in mind when asking your parents questions to get to know them as people

First, this certainly isn’t a one-and-done approach. You should aim to have multiple or even ongoing question-asking sessions with your parents if your goal is to know who they are outside of your familial relationship, says Dr. Awosan.

Second, adds Higgins, make sure your questions aren’t loaded with feelings you have about other issues. “As much as we’re talking about having more peer-level, person-to-person conversations with parents, there can be deeper subconscious drives,” she says. For instance, you might ask your parents why they made certain parenting decisions. If there’s a response you know you want to hear, you might be better off picking a different question.

Last, remember that asking questions is, by nature, intimate because it requires self-disclosure—and people have varying levels of comfort around that. “Your parents might not want to talk about their life. It might be painful for them,” says Dr. Awosan.

With all of this in mind, work to formulate questions that you’re comfortable asking your parents that you also think they’ll be comfortable answering. Or, for some inspiration, check out the following 30 questions to ask your parents (some of which may not be applicable to your specific situation). The questions are categorized as icebreaker, casual, or intimate, to help ensure everyone involved feels comfortable.

30 expert-recommended questions to ask your parents to get to know them better

Icebreakers

These questions don’t necessarily hit on the stressful or traumatic details, so asking them is generally a good place to start if you sense your parents might not love talking about more serious issues.

Where did you learn X, Y, or Z?
What was life like when you were growing up?
What did you like to do alone while you were growing up?
Who were your best friends when you were a kid?
What did you like to do with your friends when you were younger?
What would you say your superpower is?
What do you like to do for fun?
What are the things that you’re passionate about?
What was your day like at work?
What do you enjoy about your job?

Relational questions

To up the intimacy a notch beyond icebreaker-level questions, Dr. Awosan and Higgins recommend asking questions that may help you relate to your parents. Relational questions create a “day-in-the-life” scenario that allow your parents to explain what life is, and has been, like for them. These questions may also inspire thoughts on things that you can do together.

What was life like when you were my age?
What was the funniest thing that ever happened with your parenting when I was little?
How did you meet my other parent and what attracted you to them?
How did you decide that you were going to have me?
What activities do you like doing with me?
What’s your favorite thing about me?
What would you like us to do for fun?
How did you manage work and life when you were my age?
What’s it like to see your children grown up and on their own?

Intimate questions

If you know that your parents are comfortable talking about topics close to the heart (or would at least be open to them), the below questions might be a hit. When you’re getting to know your parents on a deeper, even more personal level, you want to hone in on how their experiences have shaped their personality, parenting practices, or worldview.

How did you become who you are?
What is your sense of how you were parented?
What tips did you gain from your parents that inspired you in becoming my parent?
Do you remember something impactful that happened as a child?
What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
What do you feel like you needed from your parents that you didn’t get?
What was your relationship like with your grandparents?
What was the most difficult loss you’ve experienced?
What would you have done differently about X?
How did you feel the day I was born?
Is there anything about you parenting me that you would’ve changed?

Sexual Activity

Hugger, high-fiver, or cheek-kisser? Your greeting style says a lot about your personality

by admin on April 16, 2022

I’m convinced that one of most cringeworthy feelings that can be experienced in life comes as a result of going in for a hug and being met with a handshake from the other person. Take a second now to imagine those uncomfortable fragments of a second when the handshaker’s arm sort of snakes into an adjusted position that could lend itself to either greeting, until one gesture inevitably wins out. Makes your skin crawl, right? While there are so many different ways of saying hi, hugging and handshakes tend to simply not mix, and the overarching reason for this may well have to do with the two tendencies reflecting very different personality types.

While there’s no one explanation for how someone ends up as a hugger or a handshaker, but the way you’re socialized certainly plays in. One 2012 study published in Comprehensive Psychology asserts that how we react to physical touch is “is an important element in a child’s emotional upbringing,” and can influence our behaviors into adulthood. For instance, if your childhood resembled a string of Full House episodes, you’re likely to be a big-time hugger in adulthood. And if your childhood was all about the stiff upper lip, you may not be so inclined to show affection upfront. So regardless of your preference for ways of saying hi, you can feel okay about foisting at least some blame on your parents.

And if your greeting style doesn’t fall in either category? Well, given that I’m an ever-so-opinionated people-watcher, I I’m a great source for outlining how different ways of saying hi say can reflect someone’s personality. Check them out below:

Hug

You approach life with an open heart and open arms. You skew extroverted and nearly always seem to be smiling. While all of this is great, you could certainly stand to sharpen your skills for reading people—because not all people are thrilled to receive hugs.

Handshake

Many interpret this gesture as very formal and businesslike, and sometimes that’s exactly what it is. I don’t go on job interviews giving out giant bear hugs, will-nilly, and I don’t know anyone else who does. If your default move is a handshake, that hardly brands you a cold, formal freak. Rather, all it really means is that any kind of intimate greeting (where you get close enough to smell someone) has to be really, really earned.

Side-hug

The side-hug cuts out bit of awkwardness that might be sustained from offering a hug that gets denied, but that’s only because it’s super-casual and noncommittal—even if it’s well-thought-out and planned. Any way you slice it, a side-hug doesn’t mean too much, and that’s by design. It’s best used when a handshake feels too formal, but you don’t feel a full-fledged hug is totally appropriate in the given circumstance. A side-hug means you’ve made a lot of compromises with the universe, and this is where you feel comfortable landing.

High five

If side-hugs are quietly awkward, high fives are a high-energy, bro-y breed of awkward. There needs to be a reason for invoking the high five—and simply meeting up with a friend for happy hour isn’t a good one. High fives are best reserved for workout classes, when the instructor asks you to high five your neighbor. In fact, I can’t think of any non-athletic environment where a high five is an acceptable greeting style.

Wave

You’re very, very shy and are doing your best to be friendly. Some may describe you as a “cutie pie.” Though it may seem strange to try and communicate a hello without any verbal context, a little wave sends a clear message of, “I happily acknowledge your presence but I need a hula-hoop’s radius worth of personal space until we become better friends.”

Nod

You are one of two heterosexual men who are acknowledging each other’s presence while honoring your extreme fear of showing anything that might resemble affection. Or, you just ran into one of your high school classmates at your hometown bookstore and this is a way easier way out than giving in to a real conversation. Nodding means you’re expressing dominance and not committing to a more vulnerable hello. It’s a power move.

Clasp your hands and repeat the other person’s name with so much emotion

Of all the ways of saying hi, this one is reserved for meeting someone you’ve heard so much great stuff about before the run-in. In this context, it makes a lot of sense to bask in the moment of the divine union, with an elaborate response like this one. And if this is a common greeting you lean on for addressing your sister and barista alike, please DM me. I’m genuinely curious about your non-discerning enthusiasm.

Air-kiss on both cheeks

This pretentious gesture makes no sense unless you’re very European or super rich. So, if you’re doing a double-kiss in the States, chances are you’re an influencer channeling the certain je ne seis quoi of a first-class-flying socialite. But, IMHO? Just don’t do it. Zero ways of saying hi are less sincere.

Kiss on the cheek

If you start kissing people on the cheek as a hello, congratulations: You are a full-grown, classy adult woman. I don’t mean to be ageist, but I do find that as you get older, kissing on the cheek for a hello becomes increasingly less weird. There’s a reason it’s the go-to greeting for aunts everywhere, after all.

Now that we’re clear on what your preferred greeting style says about you, here’s what to know about email sign-offs. And if you’re firmly on Team Hug, here are the health benefits you can get from embracing a loved one.

Sexual Activity

6 Ways To Bring Sexy New Relationship Energy Into Your Long-Term Partnership

by admin on April 15, 2022

Ever felt heart palpitations, belly butterflies, brain buzzing, and toe tingles alongside the start of a new romantic fling? That, friends, is new relationship energy (NRE), and it’s a joy to feel. “New relationship energy is the phase when feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin flood your brain and body,” says sex educator Marla Renee Stewart, co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay and sexologist with sex-product store Lovers. Basically, it’s the “honeymoon phase.”

Exactly how long into the relationship this feeling lasts can vary, depending on a number of factors—like how often you see each other, how often you text between IRL visits, the type of relationship, and the lovers involved themselves. But as a generalization, Stewart says it tends to burn off by the six-month mark. That said, longtime daters—need not fear. There are ways to prolong that brand-new feeling or even bring it back (even if it’s been years). Get the expert tips below.

Read on for 6 expert tips to bring sexy new relationship energy into your long-term relationship.

1. Spend time apart

“Part of what activates those NRE chemicals at the beginning of a relationship are the differences between you and the person(s) you’re dating,” says Rachel Wright, LMFT, a psychotherapist and sex educator who specializes in non-traditional relationship structures. Later on in relationships—and especially after moving in together—you and your partner(s) can begin to lose your individuality, she adds. “And when you each lose your individuality within the relationship, you’re actually repressing those NRE chemicals.”

That’s exactly why Wright recommends taking time apart as a strategy for protecting or even resurrecting the magic of the early stages. And even if you’re sharing all of your time and space these days in quarantine, you can still set boundaries to help protect a sense of alone time.

2. Incorporate a new pleasure product

“Sex toys are an excellent way to add to the novelty aspect of a relationship, because it’s almost like solving a fun puzzle,” says Tatyannah King, a sex educator and sex coach with Blex Technologies. First you get to decide which toy to buy (vibrators, non-vibrators, options specifically geared toward couples, whatever you want!). Then, you have to figure out how to use it. Finally, it’s time to actually use the toy together. “This process forces you all to find the language to communicate your needs and wants, so using a new sex toy involves not only pleasure, but communication and learning,” King says.

3. Have a threesome

Having a threesome can absolutely reignite the sexual spark in your relationship, so long as both parties are interested in exploring the dynamic, says King. That’s because a threesome allows you both to indulge in a shared fantasy and also provides access to potentially pleasurable scenarios that can draw out new relationship energy. For example, “seeing your partner being desired can remind you what it is you saw in them originally,” Wright says.

But, before making any plans—and definitely before taking any actions—make sure to communicate and then communicate some more about ground rules, expectations, and emotions surrounding the act. “Consider who you want the third person to be, who is going to be the center of attention during the threesome, what barrier methods you’re going to use [for protection], and how you’re going to take care of each other’s needs after play,” says King.

If you’re into the idea of group sex but nervous about translating it into action, consider hiring a professional sex worker. “When the third or fourth is a professional, it eliminates some of the potential complications,” says King. For two examples, consider someone catching feelings or the additional party not knowing their own boundaries.

4. …Or a virtual threesome

When engaging with group sex in a video-only way, conversations and concerns about STI transmission, COVID exposure, and who can touch whom where all become moot. A digital threesome with you and your partner in one place and a third in another location allows you to experience some of the voyeuristic and exhibitionist pleasures of group play, without as many of the risks, says King. (Just be sure to pick your virtual platform wisely: Many platforms, including Zoom, Skype, and Instagram—have explicit rules against X-rated exchanges.)

5. Re-commit to your solo sex life

While it might sound counterintuitive, practicing self-pleasure more frequently can actually bring back some of the feel-good sensations of new relationship energy, says Stewart. Plus, as Emily Morse, PhD, sexologist and host of the Sex With Emily podcast, previously told Well+ Health, “the more you reinforce the benefits of masturbation as a couple and as an [individual], while continuing to communicate about your sex life, the better sex you’ll have.”

Better sex? Sound emblematic of new relationship energy to me.

6. Exchange nudes…regularly

You need to be granted consent before sending any NSFW texts or photos, but King says asking permission can actually build anticipation and heighten intimacy levels, especially if seeing one another naked has become stale or routine. You can send a leading text like, “Can I show you what I’m wearing under my dress today?” Or, you can ask for blanket-permission to send nudes wherever, whenever. For example: “The idea of turning you on at inopportune times really turns me on. Do I have your permission to surprise you with some sultry photos throughout the week.”

And then, once you’re granted that consent, the rest of the exercise speaks for itself. Consider your new relationship energy restored.

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Sexual Activity

6 relationship traits that show it's possible and even worthwhile to move past infidelity

by admin on April 7, 2022

When you find out your partner cheated on you, it puts a blurring filter over the entire relationship, muddying up a formerly crisp picture and making everything look worse. You might feel blinded by rage, consumed with sorrow, and left questioning the whole entire relationship. You wonder if your partnership is even worth saving, and even if you do have the strength to move forward someday, should you? Should you forgive a cheater and task yourself with the time-consuming, trust-building, and quite frankly painful process doing so likely requires of you? How do you know if the bond you have—or, rather, the bond you had—is truly worth fighting for?

If you’re reflecting and trying to pick between two options of should you forgive a cheater or should you just cut your losses, there’s intel you can use to help: Below, relationship pros share six key traits of partnerships that signify there’s likely good stuff worth fighting for, even after someone cheated.

Should you forgive a cheater? Pros say when relationships include the following 6 traits, you might want to consider it.

1. You’ve always been honest with each other

“Always” may feel like a stretch right now, particularly if you’ve been shocked by the news of your partner stepping out of the confines of your relationship agreement. Trust will need to need to be rebuilt—there’s no doubt about that. But if this event really feels uncharacteristic given your shared history, keep that in mind.

“If you have a history of honesty, and you feel you’ve been able to trust one another in the past, one indiscretion doesn’t change that,” says relationship therapist Tammy Nelson, PhD. “Someone’s character or personality doesn’t change so dramatically overnight. If you feel like this is a one-time fling, and you know they are still the same person you [committed to], give them a chance.”

2. Your relationship was healthy prior to the cheating—and you remember that

“Someone who can remember the connection and the good times before the incident might be able to tap back into that and bring it into the healing of the infidelity,” says licensed marriage therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT.

It’s possible that things have been difficult for the last couple of months, or even years. Perhaps your arguments have been escalating, or the passion and intimacy have dwindled. Even if there’s a clear and present rough patch in the partnership, what matters is that your entire relationship hasn’t been a rough patch defined solely by bumpiness. Moreover, if you both can look back with clarity and recognize when things were good, there’s hope.

3. You’re both committed to each other and your shared family

Obviously this won’t apply for everyone, and it shouldn’t be your entire reason for sticking around. Nonetheless, if you have an entire family unit to consider—and that family is important to both of you—it’s certainly worth a pause. “Think more about your parenting responsibilities and less about your monogamy agreement, at least for now,” Dr. Nelson says. “Work on your relationship because you’re good parents together.”

But of course, she enforces if you’re not good parents together, don’t make the kids responsible for saving a marriage. Successful coparenting still can happen without partnered parents.

4. You’re both naturally forgiving

In any relationship, you tend to see a person’s best and worst side, right? It’s why even if you love someone with the intensity of 10,000 suns, they can really, really drive you crazy sometimes. But if you have a history of not holding grudges and apologizing the right way, there’s a chance you’ll be able to bounce back from something of this magnitude.

“No matter how long it takes, if the partner who has been cheated on can forgive, it helps the couple be able to move forward and through an infidelity,” says Thompson.

5. You’re both able to see the bigger picture

If you’re willing to think about the whole of your relationship and the solid foundation you’ve built it upon being stronger than the weight of this transgression, that’s a good sign you’ll be able to move forward.

“Going through infidelity is extremely painful and throws a grenade into most relationships,” says Thompson. “However, when both people can recommit to the relationship and work on making it stronger, it has a much higher level of success. When a couple is able to see the bigger picture—the past, present, and future—they are able to realign and get back on track.”

6. You still love each other

It sounds super-obvious, but if both partners still love each other and want to give this a fair shot, that’s an important and meaningful place to start. While Thompson admits it’s typical for the injured party to have a “Well if they loved me, they wouldn’t have cheated” mentality, she says it’s key to also remember that people can love their partners and still cheat.

So if you recognize that you both love each other and want to start over, consider it a welcome opportunity to try couples therapy to work on improving lines of communication and respecting each other. “Let this be the one-time thing that leads to a new conversation and better communication.” says Dr. Nelson. “Don’t waste this moment.”

We have a few answers as to why people might cheat in the first place. And if your arguments are escalating, make sure to stay away from these forbidden phrases.

Sexual Activity

There's a key distinction between being nice and being a "people-pleaser"

by admin on March 31, 2022

Not too long ago, someone accused me of using kindness to mask my people-pleasing ways. In retrospect, this was deeply uncool on their part, but it stuck with me because my over-active imagination tries to convince me at least 10 times a day that I’m not nice enough. So I’ve been wondering: When, exactly, does good-naturedness become disingenuous and performative? What’s the difference between being nice and wanting to make people happy? I spoke to a psychologist to clarify the very fuzzy line between the two acts.

According to Jennifer MacLeamy, PsyD, an executive director at the teen treatment center Newport Academy, the distinction really comes down to your intention. “Being nice is a wonderful thing, and we want humans to walk around in the world being kind to each other and having a general outlook of being helpful and polite,” she says. Where things get dicey is if you use that kindness to manipulate other people into liking you or acting a certain way that benefits you.

Dr. MacLeamy tells me that she calls this subtle shift in objective “make sure-ing”—as in, “we’re trying to make sure that [others] don’t feel a certain way, or to make sure that they do feel a certain way,” she says.

Let’s say your friend asks you to help them move. It’s the last thing you want to do on your Saturday afternoon, TBH, but you love them and want to help them in any way you can. If you clear your schedule and the backseat of your car because you value your friendship with your bestie, that’s one thing. But if you find yourself thinking something like, “I want them to feel indebted to me for this,” or, “I want them to think I’m the best of all friends,” or even, “They better be treating me to drinks afterward for my immeasurable graciousness”—hold it right there, Sparky. This kind deed is spurred by less than pure intentions.

Does it matter, really, whether you’re genuinely nice or just people-pleasing, if your behavior makes the other person happy? Yup, says Dr. MacLeamy. “We get into this kind of unintentional dynamic of trying to control somebody else’s behavior,” she says. And when the person you’re trying to please doesn’t “properly” reciprocate your actions—well, that can cause resentment. So before you crown yourself the unofficial Queen of Benevolence for going above and beyond to show up for the people in your life, go ahead and check your motivations.

(Please excuse me while I write that on my forehead.)

While we’re on the subject of self-awareness, here’s how to find yourself and how to discover your happiness language.