How to fluently speak the words of affirmation love language—even if you're usually tongue-tied

by admin on August 31, 2022

It’s often said that actions speak louder than words, but for people whose love language is words of affirmation, it’s actually words themselves that speak volumes.

Never heard of love languages? Introduced by Gary Chapman’s best-selling 2015 book, love languages are ways of communicating based on methods to speak and understand love. There are five different types: quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch, and words of affirmation (which, according to Chapman, is the most common love language). Knowing your partner’s love language is important because it clues you in as to the best way to show them how much you care. You may think your partner wants to feel showered with thoughtful presents (receiving gifts) when really they would so much more appreciate you cleaning the kitchen for them (acts of service).

“People whose love language is words of affirmation like their partner to use words to express their love,” says sex and relationship expert Jess O’Reilly, PhD. But if you don’t consider yourself good with words, being in a relationship with someone whose love language is words of affirmation seem challenging. But Dr. O’Reilly says it’s really not.

What Is the ‘Words of Affirmation’ Love Language?

“A primary human need in any meaningful personal relationship is to feel “affirmed,” i.e., seen, valued, and validated by the other person,” says Aditi Paul, PhD, a professor and relationship researcher at Pace University in New York. “Meeting this need with the use of verbal communication—written or spoken—constitutes what Chapman calls the ‘words of affirmation’ love language.” Words of affirmation, she adds, can include compliments, appreciation, and acknowledgement of your partner.

Examples include:

I love you.
I’m so lucky to have you in my life.
You look amazing.
Your feelings are valid.
I love how much thought you put into our vacation.
Thank you for listening and not interrupting.

Furthermore, Dr. Paul adds that since the purpose of the words of affirmation love language is to provide your partner with thoughtful feedback, listening to your partner with empathy and intent is also key.

Regardless of what language you most identify with, the benefits of using words of affirmations are strong for both the relationship and overall well being. “[Saying] words of affirmation is a way of showing gratitude and acceptance for your partner,” Dr. Paul says. “Both these practices have practical benefits. Research has shown that feeling understood and accepted by partners increases relational satisfaction and showing gratitude increases life satisfaction.”

And words of affirmation (or any love language for that matter) isn’t just for romantic relationships. “Feeling appreciated and valued are human needs in any personal relationship, not just romantic ones,” Dr. Paul says. “This includes giving and receiving words of affirmation from your parents, children, bosses, and employees.”

How To Use Words of Affirmation

1. Write a love letter

Dr. O’Reilly emphasizes that you don’t have to be “good with words” to speak the words of affirmation love language. “It’s important to know that you don’t have to come up with something to say right on the spot,” she says. “You can spend some time and think about it, and then write your partner a love letter.”

It doesn’t have to be a full-on letter either. Dr. Paul says any form of written words of affirmation can work. That includes text messages or writing down words of affirmation in a journal that you can later share with your partner when you’re comfortable..

2. Borrow some quotes

If you do take time to craft a love letter and it’s still challenging to put your feelings into words, Dr. O’Reilly says to borrow from time-tested love stories over time. “You can quote a passage from a poem or story,” she says. Or, you can gift your partner a book and underline passages that speak to your relationship.

3. Use specific and personalized messages

However, just a simple “I love you,” (while nice) doesn’t always cut it. “Generally people who are inclined towards words of affirmation are looking for specific and personalized messages,” she adds. “They want to hear why you love them and how you love them.” For example, what actions or personality traits do you appreciate about them? Thinking about that could help you make what you say more meaningful and impactful to both of you.

4. Leave surprise notes

Surprising your partner with notes is another way to express words of affirmation. “If they’re going on a business trip, you can leave little notes in their suitcase. Or, you can put one in their lunch bag,” Dr. O’Reilly says. “It’s fun to surprise your partner!”

5. Express genuine feelings

According to Dr. Paul, the biggest don’t when it comes to words of affirmation is saying things just for the sake of saying things. “People are really good at picking up what is authentic behavior and what is fluff,” she says. “When you use words of affirmation, mean them.”

6. Start small

All that said, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by incorporating more words of affirmation, Dr. Paul’s advice is to start small. Remember that words of affirmations don’t have to be these grand gestures complete with big words and flowery language. “Be mindful and intentional about your interactions with your partner,” Dr. Paul says. “Look for small pockets where you can affirm them even for things that seem seemingly insignificant. He took the laundry out without you asking him to? Say thank you! She started the car so the driver’s seat gets warmed up before you get into the car? Say ‘I love you for doing that!’ Keep it small, keep it significant.”

The same goes for other relationships as well. For instance, Dr. Paul says, a “thank you, I really appreciate it” to an employee when they complete a report, or a “great job” when a kid scores well on a test can go a long way.

The key, Dr. Paul says, is to do it consistently. With practice, you’ll incrementally become more and more comfortable using words to express your feelings.

How To Accept Words of Affirmation

Dr. O’Reilly points out that someone whose love language is words of affirmation likely also likes to show their love this way, so it’s important to be able to accept words of affirmation, too. If you’re someone who can’t take a compliment, this can be challenging. “If accepting words of affirmation is challenging for you, it’s good to express this to your partner,” she says. “Tell them. ‘I’m not used to accepting words of love, but I’m working on it.'”

When your partner starts voicing all the things he or she loves about you, if you don’t know what to say, Dr. O’Reilly says a simple thank you works just fine. “Just start with that,” she says.

Just like with other languages, it can take work to become fluent in a love language. “It’s also good to be fluent in more than one language, so it’s great to practice the other love languages as well,” says Dr. O’Reilly. The important part is that you and your partner are expressing your love to one another. And that’s something that’s appreciated no matter what language you speak.

Sexual Activity

The science of attraction is powerful—but don't let it distract you from finding true love

by admin on August 20, 2022

Even if you don’t believe in love at first sight, chances are that you’re familiar with lust at first sight. There are some people that, for some unexplainable reason, you’re just magnetically drawn to—regardless of whether or not they look like Zoë Kravitz or Timothée Chalamet.

Often, it’s the lack of an immediate spark that stops many from going on a second, third, or fourth date with someone. Not having chemistry is a common complaint for many daters; even if a potential partner looks good on paper (so to speak), a lack of chemistry will likely be a deal-breaker.

To help explain the science of attraction—and what determines if you have chemistry with someone or not—New York relationship and sex therapist Michael DeMarco, PhD, and Three Day Rule matchmaker Lisa Elson share their expert insights. Plus, when to know if a lack of chemistry should be a deal breaker.

Understanding the science of attraction—and how it’s different from chemistry

Elson says many people think of attraction and chemistry as the same and use the terms interchangeably, but that’s not quite accurate. “A lot of people, when they go on a date, they want to feel those butterflies and excitement. But you don’t want to confuse getting butterflies with thinking you found your soulmate,” she says.

According to Elson, there can be many reasons why someone feels those butterflies, aka attraction, that have nothing to do with actual chemistry. For example, a feeling of slight danger can cause butterflies, or even recognizing traits of someone you dated in the past. “Someone may get butterflies as an internal response to something familiar, such as if a current date is portraying behaviors of an ex,” she says. “But that doesn’t mean it’s good.”

Excitement can often be interpreted as attraction, adds Dr. Marco. “As humans, we’re wired for novelty,” he says—so meeting someone new can trigger feelings of excitement and “butterflies,” so to speak. He also adds that hormones come into play too. “When it comes to the science of attraction, a hormonal cascade happens,” he says. “If you’re horny, your brain produces testosterone or estrogen, which can lead to desire.” Dr. Demarco also points to oxytocin, which is released during sex and is often referred to as the “bonding” hormone because it can lead to feelings of attachment. It’s one reason why you may feel connected to someone you’re sleeping with, even if you don’t seem to have anything in common.

Now that you know what plays into attraction, what about chemistry? Elson says chemistry is more linked to compatibility; it’s about what you have in common, such as shared interests and values. “That’s what’s going to build long-term chemistry,” Elson says. Dr. DeMarco refers to this type of chemistry as intimacy, which he says is built over time and not immediate. “Those initial butterflies may fade, but this type of chemistry—compatibility and intimacy—is what will last longer,” he says.

If you’re looking for lifelong love, both experts say compatibility is the more important factor here, but Dr. Demarco points out that just because you do have initial butterflies or attraction for someone, it certainly isn’t bad. “An element of common sense comes into play here when you think about what may be causing your excitement, but you have to wait and see until you get to know the person better to see if you have compatibility as well as attraction,” he says.

Chemistry can lead to attraction

Both experts also say that attraction isn’t always immediate; sometimes it develops after you get to know someone. “One study by Match.com found that 35 percent of American singles experienced zero attraction on a first date and then later report falling madly in love,” Elson says. “If you don’t feel that initial attraction early on, it can build.”

Dr. Demarco also points out that dates that get your heart racing—like going to an amusement park together—can also increase attraction, due to the same reason that a small dose of danger can cause butterflies. He also reiterates that because humans are wired for novelty, trying something new together can increase attraction, too.

When it comes to whether or not you should see someone again if there’s a lack of attraction, Dr. Demarco says it depends on what you’re looking for; after all, not everyone is looking for a long-term partner. But if you are looking for long-lasting love, both experts say focusing on what you have in common is more important than initial attraction. “As a matchmaker, I feel like a broken record repeating myself so often about giving people a chance,” Elson says. “We live in this world of instant gratification, but the right person is out there. You just have to give them a chance and don’t give up on something that could turn out to be really good.”

Here’s how to know if you’re actually in love, or if it’s just your hormones. Plus, what to do if you find yourself falling out of love.

Sexual Activity

Why the Difference Between Secrecy and Privacy Matters

by admin on August 16, 2022

While some folks readily identify as open books, others require prying open to get so far as chapter one. Wherever you draw that boundary in a romantic relationship is a personal decision, but ask yourself: Why is it, exactly, that you keep certain details close to the chest? Because the difference between privacy and secrecy is a thin line, clearly delineating between the two can help to keep both you and a partner from overstepping it.

“If you aren’t revealing something because you don’t want to, it’s likely an example of maintaining privacy,” says psychotherapist Amy Morin, LCSW, editor-in-chief of Verywell Mind. “And if you’re not revealing something because you are afraid of the consequences, it’s likely secrecy.”

While infidelity (or anything that inches close to it) is perhaps the most clear-cut example of a secret that’s ill-advised to keep in a relationship, a whole variety of other situations could qualify as damaging pieces of information to withhold from a partner—like workplace mishaps that might put your job at risk, negative encounters with their friends, or any failure to uphold your end of the relationship bargain. Whenever you’re not sharing one of these things out of fear of the harm it might cause should it be exposed, you’re most likely keeping a secret, rather than simply upholding a sense of privacy, says therapist Hatty J. Lee, LMFT, author of The Indwell Guide.

How to pinpoint when you’re keeping a secret versus upholding your privacy:

To start, consider the amount of effort you’re exerting to conceal whatever it is you’re shielding from a partner. “Secrets tend to rule our lives,” says Morin. “You’re likely to invest a lot of energy covering them up or hiding them.” Going to extremes like changing your regular schedule, stashing evidence, or roping in friends or family members to assist with keeping your partner in the dark are all red flags of secret-keeping.

You might also introspect a bit to identify any underlying emotions driving your behavior, says Lee. “Is it anxiety and fear? Is your behavior potentially harmful to your partner? Has it created distance or disconnection in your relationship? Then I might be inclined to believe you’re keeping a secret,” she says.

On the flip side, if the feelings surrounding your concealment lack a negative charge, you could be squarely in the privacy zone. “Do you feel a sense of peace or of acknowledging your needs and wants? Is your behavior focused on honoring your boundaries? Then I’d be inclined to believe that you’re upholding your own privacy,” says Lee.

Why the difference between secrecy and privacy matters in a relationship:

While secrecy may be harmful to a relationship, privacy is not only helpful, but necessary. “People often believe that you need to share everything in order to experience intimacy or closeness, but I tell my clients to listen to their bodies and consider whether you feel safe or comfortable revealing whatever it is you’re about to reveal,” says Lee.

Developing and discussing boundaries around what you’d like to share can you help anticipate points of tension, too. For example, consider whether you’d like your phone to be off-limits to your partner; if you expect them to knock on a closed door; and if you’d like to keep conversations with your friends private, suggests Morin.

Having these kinds of boundary talks up-front can also keep one partner from feeling boxed-out or jumping to conclusions whenever the other partner takes their privacy to heart. “In that case, it’s helpful to clearly communicate that you are simply honoring your privacy by saying, for instance, ‘I’m just a private person, so I hope you don’t take it personally that I’m not sharing this with you right now.’ Or, ‘I will share more when I feel ready to.’”

Once that groundwork is laid, it’s essential not to abuse it in order to conceal a secret, which is, again, anything that could hurt your partner if exposed now or at a future point in time. Although the size of the secret will be proportional to its potentially damaging effect, any degree of secrecy can etch away at the trust you’ve built, leading to disconnection and distance, says Lee.

Because trust is what allows for vulnerability, as it diminishes, both you and your partner may be less likely to confide in each other, creating a snowball effect of more secrecy and less intimacy with time. That’s precisely why it’s so essential to avoid masquerading secrecy as privacy, and to bypass the former altogether. Not only can secrets harm a partner, but also the time and energy they take to maintain is simply time wasted, says Morin. And it’s time you might be better off spending on building or bolstering the foundations of your relationship.

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Sexual Activity

Demisexuality is the cousin of asexuality that includes the experience of attraction

by admin on August 15, 2022

Many who are navigating the current landscape of dating would likely agree that the new order of operations includes intimacy and sex more toward the front end of getting to know one another. And if sex on a first date or anywhere near the beginning of a relationship works for you, that’s amazing. After all, there’s no wrong way to cultivate a relationship so long as everyone involved feels good about it. But, this model simply doesn’t serve everyone. Like, let’s say you identify as demisexual, and don’t experience sexual attraction at all until an emotional bond has been established—then what?

First things first, the online-advocacy platform Demisexuality Resource Center describes demisexuality as a sexual orientation in which doesn’t someone feel sexual attraction with someone until an emotional bond is formed. It falls under the asexuality umbrella, but with the key difference of the word “until.” “While folks who identify as asexual never (ever, ever!) experience sexual desire or sexual attraction, demisexuals do have the capacity for sexual desire,” says clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of Joy From Fear.

And according to the DRC, the specifics of that established emotional bond looks different for everyone. For Tillie Eze, founder of women’s wellness retreats company Moon Me who identifies as a demisexual lesbian, it looks like this: “It’s the kind of relationship you have with the person you would call no matter what. It’s deeper than what I feel for my best friend or parents. It’s a synergy. It’s an unspoken or spoken love.”

Demisexuality wasn’t coined until 2006, which is one strong reason there’s very little data by way of how common it is. (Experts say other reasons include research on sexuality being hard to fund and the obvious fact that you can’t decipher someone’s sexuality by simply looking at them).

It’s worth noting that since sex drive and sexual orientation are different, so too is being demisexual and having a low libido. “Someone with a low libido does not need an emotional connection with someone to feel sexual attraction. They might just be experiencing that attraction at a lower frequency or feel less motivated in acting on that attraction,” counselor and sex coach Carlos Cavazos, LPC. “Someone who is demisexual can have a low or high libido once that emotional connection turns sexual.” And FYI, “demisexual folks can absolutely still masturbate,” says sexologist Jill McDevitt, PhD, who also identifies as demisexual. (After all, you probably have a cultivated relationship with yourself.) That said, there are some signs of demisexuality you can be aware of.

4 questions to ask yourself about demisexuality

As with any sexual or gender orientation, whether you subscribe to a label is entirely up to you. And if you think or feel that you’re demisexual, you are. While there’s no printable PDF of required prerequisites for identification, there is value in clarity and self-reflection. That’s why experts suggest conducting a quick Q&A with yourself:

1. Have I been experiencing these feelings my whole life, or does it feel like it suddenly came on?

If it’s the latter, you may be unknowingly conflating low libido with demisexuality. In this case, Dr. Manly suggests seeing your health-care provider to learn whether an external factor (like medication, lifestyle choices, stress, menopause, or a number of other possibilities) may be affecting your libido. “Demisexuality is an identity and is usually a lifelong experience. If it feels like it came on suddenly, it could signal a dip in sex drive,” says Dr. Manly.

2. How do I feel about hookups, friends with benefits, one-night stands, or summer flings?

“Most demisexuals think the idea of hookups or casual sexual partners is okay for others, but find it very unappealing for themselves,” Dr. Manly says.

3. Do I feel any level of sexual attraction once I have formed a deep relationship with another person?

If the answer is yes, perhaps you are demisexual. If the answer is no, perhaps an asexual identity may resonate with you more strongly.

4. What qualities are most important to me in a relationship (e.g., friendship, play, communication, sexuality)?

Dr. Manly says teasing out the answers to this question is particularly important, because it can provide information to help demisexual people become more aware of what they need and want in a relationship. If facets of emotional connection are high, and sexual connection is lower, demisexuality may explain why.

For Eze, that point about emotional connection resonates. “I need a real friendship within any potential partnership. I need that raw honesty that comes with a really, really true friendship.” And, when it comes to dating as a demisexual, Eze is in good company with her stance.

Dating, demisexual

“Many demisexual folks will have partners that started out as a friend,” says Dr. McDevitt—which makes sense, since there’s already an established emotional baseline. Of course, if you’re interested in someone who identifies as demisexual, this may put you at a more pronounced risk of getting stuck in the friend zone—but, really, that risk does always exist in some sense. Dating apps can also be tricky to use for people who identify as demisexual. “In online dating, there is a lot of acknowledging what you are looking for. A girlfriend? A FWB? A partner? And I don’t know yet,” Eze says. “I want to take it slow and figure it out. I think that can be hard for the non-demisexual folks who are or might be interested in me because it could be six or nine months or a year of establishing emotional connection before I have an interest in more—if I ever do.”

All of that being true, Eze recognizes that her experience isn’t universal for demisexuality. She does hope that dating apps will begin to list demisexuality in its list of sexual orientation(s), so people who identify will be able to swipe without feeling pressure to know exactly what they’re looking for from the get-go. “However we meet, I really just want to get to know someone before I date or am intimate with them,” says Eze.

Demi or not, when it comes to dating apps, here’s how to put your best foot forward. And here, 10 women share their uncensored thoughts about porn.

Sexual Activity

'My Partner Reminds Me of My Parent: What Does It Mean?'

by admin on August 4, 2022

You wouldn’t be alone if you spent a number of your teenage years and then some swearing you’d be nothing like your parents upon becoming an adult (of course, this depends on your specific relationship with your parents). But, sometimes life takes funny turns, and you also wouldn’t be alone if you one day come to the realization: “My partner reminds me of a parent.”

Maybe your significant other throws out phrases you’ve heard your mom say or tends to get quickly fired up in arguments like your dad. Regardless of the specifics, it can feel freaky to realize that you’re in a relationship with someone who shares certain key qualities with your parents. But, there’s not necessarily reason to panic about the prospect of having essentially picked a version of your parents for a life partner; after all, it’s true that you would hardly be the only person to have done so. “This is very common,” says psychologist Karin Anderson Abrell, PhD, creator and host of the Love & Life podcast.

That’s not to say it’s wouldn’t feel like a weird realization to have, though. And, if your relationship with your parent in question is less-than-ideal, it’s understandable to be freaked out by such a revelation and wonder what it all might mean. Here’s the deal.

Why do people end up in relationships with partners like their parents?

A lot of this comes down to comfort level, says clinical psychologist John Mayer, PhD, author of Family Fit: Find Your Balance in Life. Being with someone who shares qualities with one of your parents can feel safe on some level. Even if you wouldn’t call your parents your best friends, familiarity can breed a sense of comfort, which can allow this dynamic to function as a “defense mechanism to guard you against hurt and loss,” he adds.

That said, you could also be subconsciously trying to “fix” an issue you have with your parent by being with someone reminiscent of them in some way. “There’s a psychological phenomenon called recapitulation of family of origin that explains this,” Dr. Abrell says. “We look to ‘repair’ in adulthood what we experienced in our childhood that went awry.”

For example, if your father wasn’t around when you were a kid, you may find yourself subconsciously looking for a partner who reminds you of him but who is unavailable emotionally. “As an adult—where you have more control than you did as a child—you may try to find a person to love you where your father didn’t,” Dr. Abrell says. “You are very likely to try to repair that childhood trauma or wound.”

Is it bad to be with someone who is reminiscent of your parent?

It depends. If you have a healthy relationship with your parents, then it can be beneficial to date someone like them, says licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD, author of Should I Stay or Should I Go? “You may be drawn to the healthy qualities, which could include consistency, respect, kindness, affability.”

But if your relationship with your parents isn’t so great, Dr. Abrill says things can get tricky. “Sometimes people can get caught up in being with a ‘fixer-upper,’” she says. “Maybe you observed your parents being broken and want to try to ‘fix’ those qualities in someone else. But once you get them ‘fixed,’ the dynamic shifts dramatically, and there’s not much to keep you together.”

If your relationship with your parents is strained and you end up with a partner who reminds you of them, you also run the risk of your romantic relationship being unhealthy in a similar way, Dr. Durvasula says. “People tend to choose a partner like the parent they are less resolved about,” she says. That can include a parent that was consistently invalidating, that you felt like you had to jump through hoops to please, or that was very controlling, she says. “None of these are healthy patterns, so there is a risk that a person will then, without thinking, fall into a relationship with someone with these patterns again because it is familiar.”

What it could mean for your relationship if your partner reminds you of a parent

If you suddenly realize you’re in a relationship with someone like your dad, and you get along great with your father, it could simply translate into family dinners being more comfortable and seamless in the future.

But if you’re not sure how you feel about this revelation (likely because you’re not sure how you feel about your father), Dr. Mayer recommends considering how the similarities may impact your life going forward. “Think toward the future,” he says. “Will those similar qualities make you happy? Add to your life? We get very caught up in the emotions of a relationship and many times forget to evaluate the benefits of a relationship.”

Dr. Abrill also suggests considering why you’re in a relationship—to ensure it’s a union you feel good about period. “It’s important to be aware of your self-sufficiency and that you’re entering into a partnership from a place of desire versus feeling like you need someone to help you repair a wound,” she says.

If, after checking in with yourself, you realize that you’re sticking out a relationship that is rife with unhealthy components (or rife with red flags that may emerge), Dr. Durvasula recommends talking to a therapist. “Therapy can be a very important tool to unpack that and perhaps have a professional help you connect those dots,” she says.

Sexual Activity

In My Long-Term Partnership, Making Up Doesn't Include Makeup Sex—Should I Be Worried?

by admin on July 29, 2022

With Good@Sex, your pleasure is the priority, and every question is a good one. Whether you’re curious about a shift in libido, want intel about a certain relationship dynamic, are interested in exploring an untapped avenue of your sexuality, or anything else, Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist, founder of Bloomi, and Well+ Health Changemaker—has an answer to offer.

Question:

I’ve been with my partner in a committed, monogamous relationship for a long time, and while in our earlier years, we would turn to makeup sex after fighting, that hasn’t happened as of late. We’re still making up and resolving our issues, but are we missing out on something great by forgoing makeup sex? Furthermore, is premature makeup sex (that is, makeup sex without fully resolving an issue first) something to worry about?

Answer

Makeup sex is a fascinating concept to me.

In the beginning of a relationship, any fight or argument or even bickering session can make the still-fragile partnership feel at risk, leading participants in the relationship to contemplate life outside of it. So, upon resolving the issue and any bad feeling tied to it, reconciling can likewise feel dramatic—and can offer a heightened sense of intimacy.

Down the line in a relationship, when each disagreement (they continue to happen!) isn’t met with a worry for ending the union altogether, there are still reasons many experience makeup sex. For some, a fight with someone you’re close to can feel like a threat to your sense of security, and one that makeup sex can help restore. For others, arguing with a partner can feel like verbal foreplay; the tension builds and builds until it gives way to sensual passion. And if arguing makes you feel distant from your partner, reconciliatory sex can help to restore feelings of intimacy and closeness.

But now let’s talk about your situation: a long-term, committed relationship that’s not threatened by every little argument. While this reality may well lead to less sexually explosive resolutions, this is likely only reflective of the strong, secure foundation that supports your healthy partnership. And that’s a beautiful thing. As a relationship matures, I think the lack of makeup sex isn’t something to worry about at all. In fact, it should be something to celebrate.

I am also sensing, though, that you miss the spikes of passion that often come with exploring a new relationship. And I feel you there! There are emotional and physiological reasons for this dissipation… or dissipassion, if you will. I’m sure many of us wish we could invent a pill that made that rush of new-relationship passion come back. But, in lieu of that, my best suggestion for reigniting the flames of passion is to create space for it. The realization that you can comfortably be separate is the best way to reaffirm a long-term relationship and re-engage desire.

And regarding your question about premature makeup sex, I implore you to ask yourself whether you are taking the proper space to contemplate the root of your argument. This introspective effort will not only help to facilitate desire to reconnect, but it will also help you to ensure that you’re prioritizing your needs and not just seeking resolution out of discomfort.

The bottom line is that I don’t see makeup sex as a foundational requirement for a healthy long-term relationship. If anything, it is a hallmark of an early phase of a relationship and can even present red flags if it happens consistency and for a long duration of a relationship. I do, however, believe it’s common to miss out on sex when we don’t prioritize having it. But, prioritizing sex doesn’t need to require you having a dispute with your partner.

As CEO of Dame Products, Alexandra Fine translates the nuances of our sexualities into human-friendly toys for sex and sexual wellness products. A lifelong student of sexual health, Alexandra earned her master’s in clinical psychology with a concentration in sex therapy from Columbia University. In founding Dame Products, she intends to start necessary conversations, to listen rather than assume, and to create products that enhance intimacy.

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Sexual Activity

This Election Shouldn't Have Been Such a Close Call—Here's How To Continue the Work

by admin on July 10, 2022

It’s not a surprise that a clear winner didn’t emerge on Election Day. Or that the following days will be filled with uncertainty. But, no matter the outcome, election results this close—in this election—are still deeply unsettling for Nicole Cardoza, founder of the Anti-Racism Daily newsletter, and Yoga Foster, and Reclamation Ventures wrote on Instagram.

“Grief today is palpable. What a heartache to witness how many people choose racism and systemic oppression over equity and opportunity for all,” writes Cardoza in an Instagram post on November 4. “How sobering a reminder that, regardless of who wins, we have so much more work ahead of us. The only thing you should be waiting for right now is the results. But spur yourself into action everywhere else.”

Even if Joe Biden becomes president, we will still be living in a divided nation. To continue fighting against what the Trump administration stands for, Cardoza says there are a few things you can do.

How to continue the work

1. Sign up for a Protect the Results event

Protect the Results is a coalition of over 130 groups prepared to protest if Trump does anything to stop counting votes.

“We can’t assume that Donald Trump will respect the peaceful transfer of power,” says Sean Eldridge, founder and president of Stand Up America, which started organizing the coalition. If Trump interferes in the counting of ballots or pressures officials to stop counting “then we would mobilize,” says Eldridge.

As recently as early this morning, Trump told supporters he didn’t want any more ballots counted, as several states continue to tally mail-in votes. “We don’t want them to find any ballots at 4 o’clock in the morning and add them to the list,” he said. The Trump campaign has sued Michigan (where Biden is leading over Trump with 96 percent of the votes counted), seeking to halt the counting of election ballots in the state. The suit alleges that Michigan had “found” ballots to deny a Republican Senate victory.

“Commit to mobilizing [with Protect the Results] if Trump undermines the election,” says Cardoza.

2. Speak with your friends and family about who they voted for

“Have conversations with your family and friends about who they voted for and why,” says Cardoza. “Do not let their actions go unchecked. It is a privilege to avoid that conflict. And if that person is you, sit with your complicity for the terrors this nation inflicts, and why you find them less urgent than whatever you choose first.⁣”

These conversations are tough but necessary, says Cardoza. Whether it means talking about white privilege with your friends and family or unpacking the social determinants of health that have a disproportionately negative impact on Black people, it’s important, and an act of love, to call people out on the things they don’t know and the harm they’ve caused.

3. Make an election safety plan

No matter who wins, there is bound to be some civil unrest. As Trump warns of a “stolen” election, fear of his supporters is palpable. In any case, activists are likely be out protesting and in need of support.

“Support local organizers and community aid funds,” says Cardoza. “Connect with your neighbors and see what you can do.⁣”

Author Ogorchukwu shared in a separate post that anything from creating and sharing a soothing playlist with friends to figuring out was to serve your community right now can be helpful.

Sexual Activity

Pleasureful Sex With Genital Herpes Is Fully Possible

by admin on July 6, 2022

Having a sexually transmitted infection (STI) shouldn’t be a point of shame, and it also crucially doesn’t mean the demise of your sex life. In fact, one of the main purposes of STI Awareness Month, which happens each April, and other similar public campaigns, is to talk about them and help reduce stigmas or fears you may have. Of course, it is great to avoid contracting an STI, but given that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that one in five people in the United States has one and the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates over 1 million new cases of STIs daily, focusing on navigating a healthy and fulfilling sex life should you have or get one is a worthy endeavor.

Genital herpes is one of the most common STIs, with an estimated 572,000 new cases of it each year in the U.S. Types of symptoms and treatments correspond to the type of herpes—oral or genital—that has been contracted. The main difference between the two is the area of the body that is affected. Oral herpes, HSV-1, also known as cold sores, is usually self-diagnosable and can be spread through saliva; unprotected vaginal, anal or oral sex; and skin-to-skin contact like kissing, sharing beverages, handshakes, or hugs. It is treatable with over the counter medicines; however, once oral herpes are contracted, they can reoccur.

Genital herpes, HSV-2, is an STI that can cause genital pain, itching, and sores, and it can only be spread through unprotected vaginal, anal, or oral sex; and from parent to child during pregnancy, labor, or nursing. Though the virus lies dormant in the body, symptoms can flare up at any moment—particularly during high-stress periods. It’s advised to treat outbreaks with medication, tell your sexual partner(s), and refrain from any type of sex or genital contact.

The good news is that regardless of the type, herpes is less likely to be transmissible when you are in remission and on medication. You simply need to avoid sex if you feel an outbreak starting, or are in the midst of one. During these times, communication with your partners is key, and I encourage you to lean on other forms of intimacy to connect with your partner(s) during this period.

Again, you can have a great sex life with genital herpes (or a partner with genital herpes), so long as you are informed about how to care for yourself, use protection, and communicate with your partner(s). In fact, these realities are true for sex with anyone—with or without an STI.

How to communicate with your partner(s) about having genital herpes

The ideal time to talk to a partner about your genital herpes, or any STI for that matter, is before having sex. A key to establishing healthy emotional intimacy in any relationship is sharing pertinent information that helps you establish trust, build a good sexual communication foundation, and allow your partner(s) to give consent to sex beforehand.

Keep in mind that it is your responsibility to disclose information to your sexual partner(s) before intimate moments, but doing so should not be scary or create any type of negative judgment. Here are the questions I recommend asking your partner to help guide you through this conversation in an empowering way:

1. Telling a partner you have herpes or another STI

“I recently got tested for STIs and wanted to share my results with you. Would you like to schedule time for us to talk about it together?”

2. Suggesting getting tested before a new sexual relationship

“I really like where this is going. I’d like for both of us to get tested and share our results with each other before things progress any further. What do you think?”

3. Asking a partner about their sexual health

“I want to check in about our health and sex life. I can share the last time I was tested and results. Can you share yours with me as well?”

Be sure to communicate to your partner(s) if you’re experiencing symptoms of any kind so that both of you can take action toward treatment. During outbreaks, seek treatment from a medical professional and engage in other forms of intimacy like cuddling, body massages, or incorporating a sex toy to stimulate your partner(s). Latex barrier methods like condoms and dental dams are a great way to help prevent likelihood of transmission as well.

How to keep herpes from impacting your sexual wellness goals

Regardless of whether you have an STI or not, consider what intimacy and sexual wellness goals you have for yourself. Everyone has the right to great intimacy and fulfilling partnership(s), so consider what you want to explore, leave behind, or accomplish with your solo or partnered sessions.

If you have herpes or another STI, make sure you feel informed and ready to have conversations with partner(s) about it. Regarding talking to a clinician, all of us should be checking in with our health-care providers about our sexual health on a regular basis, so that is not unique to someone with herpes.

Ultimately, I have experienced that people with STIs tend to have better sexual-communication skills than those without. This is perhaps because the conversations around sexual health with partners sparks more dialogue about feelings, intimacy, and other sex topics. Overall, I want those with herpes to know that it’s common, manageable, and not a barrier to a fulfilling sex life.

Sexual Activity

How to be alone without being lonely, regardless of your relationship status

by admin on June 28, 2022

Christina Aguilera and Ricky Martin once said (or rather, crooned), “Nobody wants to be lonely.” And that sentiment rings especially true around the holidays. Whether you’re single and wishing you had a cuffing-season partner, or you’re in a committed relationship and various obligations (or worse, family drama) are keeping you apart, the vibe of loneliness can be pervasive.

It’s even harder to avoid these feels when everything about the holiday season—like cheesy cable movies and nonstop seasonal music—practically screams, “Isn’t love the best?!? You should be in it, and it should be picture perfect—don’t forget!” Psychotherapist Lise Schiffer, LCSW, validates that this stress indeed feels very real. “There is enormous social pressure to feel cheerful and social during the holidays,” says.

It’s also easy to feel like everyone around you is smitten, enjoying warm and cozy feelings of love—even if that’s totally not the case. (Spoiler: It’s probably not the case.) “Many people find the holidays quite stressful, but it can feel like everyone else is invited to the party except you,” Schiffer says.

While loneliness isn’t unique to this time of year, the annual festive vibe does have a way of highlighting what might be missing in a person’s life. As New York City psychologist Gregory Kushnick, PsyD, explains, “Much like the experience of going to someone’s wedding, we view our holiday experience as a reflection of where we stand in our love life.” In other words, we often use this time of year as a barometer of where we are, or where we think we should be—and that’s a lot of pressure to add to the pile of holiday cards to fill out and presents to wrap.

But, it’s all real and true, so how the heck do you not only survive the feelings of loneliness, but thrive—and dare we say—even enjoy the most wonderful time of the year? Check out tips below to rise above your loneliness, no matter your relationship status.

How keep loneliness from putting a damper on your holiday-season bliss.

Photo: Getty Images/Shestock

How to feel less alone if you’re single

“If you are fresh off a breakup, do your best to frame the holiday season as a time of self-healing and self-discovery,” Dr. Kushnick says. To do this, he suggests laying off the cocktails (even the healthy-ish ones), casual hookups, and cyberstalking your ex. Those things may feel fulfilling in the moment, but that moment will pass.

Instead, make a new, happy memory while distracting yourself from whatever feels lacking in your life. “Find at least one person who knows you well and build a simple holiday memory together,” Dr. Kushnick says. It can be as no-frills as watching Bridget Jones’s Diary, putting on a DIY face mask, and having a good laugh with a friend, says therapist Valentina Verani, LMHC.

Another important thing to remember through all of this: Being single is A-okay! Lots of awesome people, just like you, are. As Schiffer reminds us, “Not having a romantic partner does not mean you don’t have love and companionship in your life.”

How to feel less alone, even if you’re coupled up

Singletons don’t have the market cornered on having a blue Christmas; even coupled-up revelers face some serious (and sometimes sad) obstacles this time of year. But there are ways to work through it.

Dr. Kushnick says that if you’re separated (by physical or emotional distance) from your S.O., you can use the opportunity to engage in self care, which can improve your relationship. “You can create something, like a group of journal entries related to reflecting on the relationship and what you want to improve or do together.”

If you’re not in the same place over the holidays, journaling this way can remind you just how much you are connected. When you’re feeling more confident in your union, perhaps you’ll be able to reimagine the space as a positive thing: It allows you to have separate experiences that you tell one another about. “You both bring new experiences into the relationship, and you’ll have lots to talk about when you’re reunited,” Schiffer says.

How to feel less alone…period

Self care is key for everyone, Verani says—whether it’s taking that hot yoga class, getting a mani-pedi, going to your weekly therapy sesh, or petting your beloved pup. Doing these things can make you feel better about your situation, whatever it may be. And most importantly, you’ll feel better about you.

The holidays can seem dedicated to celebrating everyone else, but you’re just as worthy of treats and presents, even if they’re from you to you. After all, who knows your taste better than you?

“You are the most important person in your life and the relationship from which all others stem,” Schiffer says. “If you can enjoy your own company and be kind and compassionate to yourself, you will be a much better friend and partner to others. And remember, nobody is happy all the time and we all occasionally feel lonely. This is normal. You are okay.”

Here’s how to actually help a loved one who seems depressed over the holidays. And here’s why anxiety can seem worse at night.

Sexual Activity

It's possible to sharpen each of the 5 senses to enhance sexual pleasure

by admin on June 26, 2022

Pretty much everything psychotherapist Esther Perel says about sex, relationships, and friendships reads like gospel to me. So, when she recently shared tips for better sex with The Syndey Morning Post, I took a moment to let her comments wash over me—especially this one: “Understand: Which is the sense with which you make love the most? Is it touch? Is it sound? Is it smell? Every one of us works with multiple senses, but some of us have one we favor more than others. Sharpen it, trust it.”

This notion is revelatory to me, because I’ve never considered that a sense other than touch could take center stage in a partnered sexual experience. My surprise is exactly why sexologist and The Game of Desire author Shan Boodram says Perel’s recommendation is helpful because it provides people with creative new takes on existing language they can use to have open conversations about sex. “I think people always say ‘talk more about sex with your partner’, but it’s such a vague piece of advice,” Boodram says. “This gives people a jumping off point.”

To Boodram’s point, when looking for tips for better sex, there’s value in exploring what pleasure might mean according to all five senses—and that’s exactly what you’ll find below.

Want tips for better sex and more pleasure with a partner? Just sharpen your 5 senses in the bedroom

1. TOUCH

“We think of touch in a really straightforward way, and people’s goals tend to be the main erogenous zones,” Boodram says. “The joy of touch, however, is the entire experience, and so not only should you play with different body parts, you can also play with different materials (feathers, coconut oil, etc.).” Our nerve endings, she says, like to be surprised, which is why it’s great to keep them guessing by making sure to explore unexpected spots in unexpected ways.

Andrea Barrica, sex educator and founder of online sex-education platform O.School, recommends setting a timer for 10 minutes and to try new things during that time. This, she says, creates a “safe container” for exploration. “At the end of the timer, just have a little feedback session.'” she advises. “So often people are scared to try new things…so setting a timer to experiment with things is really helpful.”

You can also create a list of nonsexual things that bring you pleasure to use for inspiration in the bedroom, says Barrica. “For example, I love getting my hair blown dry. It’s a sensation that I feel is really pleasurable, and maybe for someone else it’s listening to music or touching a fabric like velvet or silk.” Knowing she gets pleasure from the blow-dry experience can spark ideas for new experiences to try in the bedroom.

2. SIGHT

The first and perhaps most obvious strategy Boodram suggests regarding tips for better sex and pleasure via sight is watching porn. “It’s this unlimited library of different representations of sexuality and sexual expression, and if you get turned on by certain kinds of images you see there, you can weave them into the bedroom,” she says. “You can also use it to talk about what you want to see your partner do.”

Boodram also recommends playing with a projector in the bedroom, noting that projected images don’t need to be pornographic. Not your thing, or you simply don’t have a projector? Try playing around with lighting instead. “One of the great inventions of our times is the Philips Hue lights bulb, because you can change the color of the bulb,” she says. “Color psychology says that colors bring out certain emotions in us, so you can really play with that in the bedroom at a really low cost.”

Costuming may also be a visual turn on, says Barrica, and invoking this notion may simply involve asking your partner to grow out their hair or wear a certain flannel shirt you like. But if you’ll feel turned on by seeing your partner dressed up a certain way for a sexual situation, she says to communicate that. “Just verbally sharing that is the first step, because it might be enough to get both people turned on. Or the information might stir in the other person a feeling of, ‘I would actually enjoy doing that,'” she says.

3. SMELL

“Our olfactory system holds more ability to reference memories than anything else, so smells can bring us to a safe space, or they could bring us to a primal space—smells are just a really strong communicator,” Boodram says.

For example, Boodram says men often tell her that they like the smell of armpits. She, meanwhile, is into “the smell of someone’s day on their genitals.” Perhaps these primal-leaning scents don’t do it for you, and you prefer the smell of fresh laundry—not because it’s inherently sexual but because it makes you feel safe. As another example, sugary sweets may bring someone back to a joyful place in life and therefore may enhance joy in a sexual experience. “It’s kind of a mix of what turns you on, what makes you just feel safe, relaxed, and stress-free, and also what takes your mind to a place of joy and comfort,” she says. And, as Barrica points out, scents tied to memories can be a powerful supplement to any costuming initiatives.

4. TASTE

“You might want to have a conversation with your partner about what [hygiene] things they do that turn you on (or, don’t),” Boodram says, noting that some people like what Samantha Jones famously coined as “funky spunk,” and others might be into the taste of sweaty, salty skin.

Then there’s the option to incorporate sweet substances into the bedroom, like whipped cream, syrups, and cornstarch (which Boodram says is less sticky on the sheets). Others might be interested in experimenting with certain foods they find to be erotic.

5. SOUND

Sounds in the bedroom can include everything from moans and dirty talk to music and beyond. Since options abound with this sense (as well as all the others), as always, communicating boundaries is key. Neither you nor your partner should feel obligated to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable just because it turns the other person on.

Ultimately, the key to discovery around what you authentically enjoy for each of your five senses is mindfulness and being aware in the moment of your response to stimuli. “When you are in authentic expression of yourself and in celebration of your senses based on what you want in that moment, sex never gets boring,” Boodram says.

Want more tips for better sex? Sexpert Lila Darville shares five ways to try something new in bed. Plus, find answers here to the dirtiest dozen sex questions you’ve been too shy to ask.