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Tinder's 2018 review is just more proof that modern dating is a nightmare

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Modern dating is a hellscape and no one can convince me otherwise. There’s a reason that I’ve been in several non-relationships, encountered more fuccbois than any person should have to stomach, and have an arsenal of excuses to leave a date at a moment’s notice. It’s because dating in 2018 is like being trapped in an escape room game, except all of the clues also electrocute you.

Yet my smug, coupled-up friends love to say things like “it can’t be that bad” or “have you tried a dating app?” and basically try to gaslight me into believing that I’m wrong and dating is completely normal and fun.

Well today I am (finally) vindicated. Tinder just released its 2018 year in review report (or as they called it, “The Year in Swipe”) and it confirms everything I already knew: Online dating is a waking nightmare.

Let’s talk specifics on what made exactly the States’ year in swipe so horrifying. It starts with the most popular TV show among users, Friends. Everyone has their own dating red flags and dealbreakers and I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that being a Friends fanatic is mine. Any reference to the show on someone’s profile is an immediate swipe left for me—it’s the world’s easiest dating litmus test. Who wants to date someone who clearly has terrible taste in TV?

The second red flag in this report is also Friends-related. The most-used emoji among US Tinder users is one of Joey going “How you doin’?” If someone ever sent me that I would very swiftly un-match. Is the most cliché phrase from the second worst character on the worst TV show ever really the first impression you want to make? I would hope not.

Finally, there’s strike three—the most popular Tinder anthems. For those lucky enough to have avoided the abyss of internet dating, Tinder Anthems are songs you display on your profile that are meant to indicate your cultural taste (or lack thereof). Somehow, the late XXXTentacion, a musician whose career was defined by allegations of domestic violence and assault, has multiple songs in the top 10. I just can’t.

So next time you have the urge to tell someone there are plenty of fish in the sea, just…don’t. Because the way I see it, those fish are pretty rotten. And apparently, love Friends.

If you are online dating, these are tips on staying happy and sane plus what you need to know about ghosting 2.0, orbiting. 

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Sexual Activity

Empathy in the Workplace Leads to Happier Employees

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Take a moment to think about your favorite jobs over the years. Even if you weren’t in love with the tasks of the job itself, there’s a good chance that if you had an empathetic employer, it likely made you hold the position in high regard. This is the thought process behind a recent study about the power of empathy in moments of crisis. Employers practicing empathy translates to happier, more productive employees with more positive views of work in general. Researchers found that women of color benefit the most from empathy in the workplace, as it directly mitigates burnout.

According to clinical psychologist Jenny Yip, PsyD, empathy is vital in determining how well employers understand their employees. “What will get them to excel and thrive?” she asks, illustrating how empathy can help employers ask themselves this question in an effort to better assist their employees. “What will motivate them? When your team members are struggling, what do they need to prevent burnout?”

In the workplace, Dr. Yip says it’s important for employers not only to have compassion for their employees and their experiences but also really feel the joy that they feel when they’re productive. “It’s also about feeling the struggles and challenges that they feel to help them prevent burnout,” she says. “That way, [employers] can help [employees] be the best they can possibly be.”

How empathy affects inequity in the workplace

“For women of color, there’s an additional lack of equity,” says Dr. Yip. “A white woman will see more opportunity than a Black woman, for example.”

With this in mind, from an employer standpoint, Dr. Yip says that it’s important to have an understanding of the hurdles that women of color experience. “It helps [employers] provide equal opportunity,” she says. “On top of that, it helps [them] be more open-minded in terms of providing resources to women.”

This is key because, generally speaking, Dr. Yip points out that women have more responsibilities and a lot less time on their hands than their male counterparts.

“In academia, your ability to be promoted depends on how much research you’ve done and how many books you’ve written,” she says. “All of that requires time. When a woman goes home, she’s usually responsible for managing the entire household, including childcare. Many male colleagues are able to go home and use their creative energies to write another chapter in their book.”

Dr. Yip uses this as an example to illustrate how an employer needs to understand the disparities in an effort to provide resources to help women, and especially Black women, succeed.

“Let’s say both a man and a woman both put in 40 hours a week,” she continues. “The woman will always burn out quicker because a woman has many more responsibilities outside of that 40-hour a week of paid work. Using empathy can help an employer understand the burden placed on women, and the additional discrimination placed on women of color.”

How empathy influences compensation

Empathy goes beyond supplying resources and offering an ear to listen, though. It also involves reward systems based on equity.

“Empathy helps employers understand the discrimination, injustice, and inequity between the male and female genders,” says Dr. Yip. “It takes away some of the negative judgment we have when a female employee isn’t able to accomplish something. It’s more than compassion—which is feeling bad for someone else. Empathy is feeling what another person experiences and having an understanding of that feeling.”

And, by understanding those feelings and taking those experiences into account, an employer is able to make a positive impact on the employee based on how they recognize and reward their hard work.

“An empathetic employer may have different metrics for determining promotions and bonuses,” says Dr. Yip. “We all thrive on achievement and reward. So, if a woman of color is being rewarded equally as a white male, then that person will likely feel more as part of the team, which prevents burnout.”

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Sexual Activity

Yep, having to discover that you're deep in an open relationship sums up the current dating landscape

by admin on

When my devastated super-monogamous friend told me that her Bumble hookup had been hiding his open relationship from her, I all but texted “Mazel Tov!” while Taylor Swift’s “Welcome to New York” played in my head. At least in the Big Apple, it seems that only the Bronx Zoo swans and like five human singles are monogamous, so this bait-and-switch experience is basically a sad Bat Mitzvah of sorts.

In recent years, along with the rise of app culture, dating has been all about diversifying your options. Part of that means normalizing open relationships and/or polyamory, which isn’t necessarily bad news since ethical non-monogamy can be healthy. In fact, one study by the University of Guelph showed that people in consensual non-monogamous relationships “experience the same levels of relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being and sexual satisfaction as those in monogamous relationships.”

But take note of the word “consensual,” which here means everyone was involved with other partners, and more importantly, everyone was aware of said other partners. And if non-monogamy isn’t your thing (which is totally acceptable), finding out your new fling has other flings or even a full-blown serious relationship other than you is off-putting. Suffice it to say that this specific omission is a weird catfish aspect of dating that’s breeding all sorts of chaos in the appverse and elsewhere. And it really begs the question: Can someone monogamous date someone polyamorous without it being, like, searingly painful for everyone involved?

“Part of having a successful relationship is being on the same page with your relationship type and goals,” says Julie Spira, online-dating expert and matchmaker. “These days on apps, it’s not unusual for someone to state they’re in a polyamorous relationship and seek the same. But just like someone who’s separated and claims they’re already divorced, you’ll find some in polyamorous relationships not admitting it from the onset, so they can get matched with more people.”

And I loudly say to that—not to polyamory, but to deceptive behavior—HELL NO, DO NOT DO THAT. Sure it’s common to dabble in a little bit of deception when we start dating someone, right? (I’ve lied about having heard of so many bands that I actually haven’t.) But to hide from someone that you have another S.O. until the morning after, over breakfast sammies and cold brew, is shady. Even if it’s “totally cool” with your main partner(s) and thus “technically” not cheating, it’s disrespectful to not check if it’s totally cool with the other person in question.

So now what? Should people in an open/poly relationships identify that in their bio, and, on the defensive flip side, should monogamous folks do the same? Spira suggests being upfront and transparent about your preferences (just like in any relationship) and to move cautiously from there. Whether or not a one-partner-preferred person can find long-term happiness with someone who likes to stay more open depends on the specific case—but it’s likely going to be a challenge.

“More often than not, the person who is happy in a monogamous relationship will get attached to the poly person they’re dating, so setting boundaries and rules on how to make it work from the onset is important,” Spira says. “One of three things will happen: The poly partner might decide they’d like to be monogamous with one person, the monogamous person will learn to accept polyamory or even try to be polyamorous, or more likely, one person will fade away because their needs and rules aren’t being met.”

Really it just boils down to being an honest, good person and trying to date mindfully regardless of how you identify. “It’s possible to date someone when you’re poly and they’re monogamous, as long as you state that you’d like the arrangement to remain this way,” Spira says. “Once someone decides to change the rules, it’s time to renegotiate your relationship or move on.”

Remember, this isn’t about music taste; it’s about concealing a lifestyle choice that impacts more than one person, effectively robbing someone of the agency to make an informed decision. And whether this specific situation is common or not (and here’s to hoping it doesn’t spread beyond the tri-state area), it’s always a bummer when a relationship stops cold because someone told a half-truth. So, no matter your preference, be upfront, honest, and true to yourself and your desires. And if you absolutely have to tell a lie, make it about something as insignificant as bands you listen to.

If polyamorous and monogamous people can date happily, can carnivores and vegans make it work? Whatever your preferences, here’s how to define your relationship like a grown-up.

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Sexual Activity

Have trouble asking for what you want during sex? This 5-minute exercise will help you communicate orgasmically

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I’m in a room packed with strangers when I learn something new about myself: On a scale of 1 to 10, I prefer to be touched at a pressure that lands somewhere around a four. And I like a little bit of dragging-nail action, too. (Spicy! Who knew?!?) No, I’m not at an orgy or participating in some kind of innovative new workout. Rather, I’m taking a mindful sex workshop hosted by pleasure brand Dame, led by somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, LMFT, who says that for so many of us, communicating how we want to be touched is difficult for one key reason: We’ve never actually asked ourselves what turns us on, which makes knowing how to ask for what you want in bed extra complicated.

“It sounds so simple to ask for what we want in sex, but it’s so hard,” says Richmond. “We always have to be open if we are in long-term relationships so that when our partner’s preferences change, our feelings won’t get hurt when they ask for someone different.” As challenging as it is to voice what you want, research confirms the point that—particularly in the case of longer-term sexual relationships—it’s a beyond-vital skill. Take a 2016 study published in the Journal of Sex Research, which found that rates of “sexual satisfaction and maintenance of passion were higher among people who had sex most frequently, received more oral sex, had more consistent orgasms, and incorporated more variety of sexual acts, mood-setting, and sexual communication.”

Ready to practice asking for what you want? Below, Dr. Richmond shares a (notably PG) exercise to kick off your journey into mindful physical contact.

How to ask for what you want in bed using a 4-step, 5-minute exercise

  1. Grab a partner (it could be your actual partner or just a friend) and ask for consent to do the exercise, which will require their forearm.
  2. If they agree, gently prop their right hand in your left, extending their arm out in front of their body. For the first 30 seconds, touch their forearm the way you like to touch: with light strokes, tickles, and taps, as well as different pressures.
  3. At the end of the 30 seconds, ask them how they would like to be touched. Lighter or more pressure? With or without nails? Let them guide you for 30 seconds. “Say, ‘I’m curious if this feels good.’ When you lead a question with ‘I’m curious…,’ it really leads the person out of a place of defensiveness,” says Richmond.
  4. Switch partners

By the end of this exercise, you’ll likely have learned something new about how you like to be touched and one (or more!) things about your partner’s preferences. The cherry on top, says Richmond, is that both of you will also have practiced expressing your physical needs. “This is a somatic exercise in asking for what we want. It sounds so simple, but with sex, it gets so hard,” she says. And, ahem, the communication skills that you learn from all that forearm practice may translate to…um, other places.

Remember, though: The art of receiving touch—and touching others—is an ongoing discovery process. “We’re not static, so what I like today, I might not like in a year and I definitely won’t like in five years,” says Richmond. Our tastes are constantly evolving, but we’re at risk for missing many of our sexual seasons if we don’t experiment a little. “Mindful sex is really knowing ourselves and asking for what we want in a connected way,” says Dr. Richmond.

Vulva-owners, this is the fastest way to orgasm. And Dame’s co-founders made our list of 2020 Changemakers: Here’s why they’re primed to change sexual wellness forever. 

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Sexual Activity

How to give a killer maid of honor speech that'll actually benefit your career

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Being a maid of honor comes with some major responsibilities: planning a bachelorette party, shopping for the dress, and, of course, making a meaningful speech at the reception.

Regarding that last line item on the to-do list of the bride’s right-hand lady, the and nerves and stakes are both undoubtedly high, but the payoff can be huge—in more ways than one. Turns out that special, tearjerking speech can actually be repackaged and repurposed in a way that’s totally useful. (And no, not in the same vein as a bridesmaid’s dress you can “totally shorten and re-wear!” Cue: eye roll.)

Not to be hyperbolic or anything, but a MoH speech can make or break a wedding—and a friendship, for that matter. But when you get the skills necessary for an epic oration down pat, you can also apply ’em to your job, thus propelling your career to new heights.

Upcycle your killer MoH speech for career gains

The key to a great MoH speech is zeroing in on the positives and not paying attention to bumps in the road, even if for comic relief, says lifestyle and etiquette expert Elaine Swann. “You should focus on the positive traits of the bride, the couple, and how much positivity and hope they bring to others.” Wendy Toth—career coach, Power Suiting founder, and two-time maid of honor—echoes that sentiment, adding that you should “never want to publicly embarrass” the bride. But sometimes it’s tough to decipher whether a certain anecdote is an innocuous-yet-hilarious childhood memory or a potential skeleton in the closet. To this point, Toth says to consider the entire guest list and use it as a litmus test of sorts. “Think about how the story will be processed by every single person the audience. If your BFF’s wild cousin will get a kick out of the story, but her nanna will be horrified, save it for the bachelorette party.”

Another thing Swann says to avoid? Low-hanging fruit at the guest of honor’s expense.  “You absolutely don’t want to share any stories of hardships, or exes who treated them terribly, or mention how many frogs they had to kiss. It’s important to remember this is a toast, and not a roast.

This advice not only works in Ballroom C, but the boardroom as well. “Let’s say you’re giving a postmortem on a project that didn’t work out,” Toth says. “Even if you are expected to be brutally honest about the results, do not name names. Never call someone out on a mistake in front of a group.” Just like you want to point out the things that make the bride so great, you’ll want to do the same at work. “Focus on the positives the job—the wins, as opposed to the losses,” says Swann.

Photo: Getty Images/Luis Alvarez

The 3 S’s for success in wedding and work speeches

Now that you know what you should (and more importantly, shouldn’t) say during a wedding speech or an office presentation, just keep in mind Swann’s three S’s for success: short, sweet, and succinct. “The anxiety people often get comes from thinking they have to fill in a lot of time. The key is brevity,” she says. Don’t feel the need to fill in moments with unnecessary jokes or anecdotes—just get to the heart of the matter.

At a wedding, address the audience as a whole and then focus on the bride and groom. Similarly at work, you don’t want to just speak to your boss, but rather everyone in the meeting. And even if the three S’s don’t squelch your nerves, keep in mind that no one expects you to be a professional orator.

How to turn a speaking mistake into magic

Notecards for a MoH speech and notes for a work presentation are both totally acceptable tools to use to help you succeed and get back on track in the event that you lose your place or train of thought. And if you stumble, don’t sweat it.

“Admit you messed up, then use your mess-up to make a quick, simple conclusion,” Toth says. A go-to MoH speech save is to say, “Sorry! I’m so nervous, I lost my train of thought. I guess I’m so nervous because I love my best friend so much. I want this day to be perfect, and I only want the best for you. Clearly you’ve found it. Cheers!” And if you have more to say after a mistake, Swann says to put it behind you and keep going. “The best way to get back on track is to get back on track.”

And—no surprises here—very similar logic applies to slipups in work presentations “If you forget a figure or fact at work, own it right away,” Toth says. “Admit you forgot, but say you’ll be happy to email the details to the group after.”

Ultimately, Toth and Swann agree that the most important aspect to remember is that sincerity in what you want (and need) to say in a MoH speech is what makes for a truly great and memorable toast. Now, take a sip of the bubbly and relax—you did it. And for a work win, come time for happy hour after work, order yourself a well-earned cocktail to celebrate a well-delivered presentation that could’ve made a bride blush.

Really nervous about the speech? Well, it might not be recorded, thanks to the unplugged wedding trend. And here are great wedding registry suggestions for wellness-minded couples.

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Sexual Activity

Use this 3-step checklist to decide whether your ex is even worthy of your friendship

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We can all agree that “I hope we can still be friends” is the biggest BS kiss-off that can emerge from a breakup conversation. The whole thing feels like an urban legend of sorts. So few of us are able to manage being friends with an ex without it ending badly—and why is it even a goal? When looking at the sitch from a distance, it seems obvious that the whole endeavor is masochistic in nature because well-intentioned boundaries quickly give way to broken ones. In fact, research shows people who want to stay friends with their ex and bona fide psychopaths are known to share some similar dark traits. So call me a psychopath, because though most of my attempts at befriending an ex have ended with some ill-fated trips to bedroom and/or vile, misogynistic Facebook messages, I keep on keeping on.

Among the dozen or so ex-whatevers I’ve had over the years, there’s at least one sweet goth boy with whom I am down to share text memes and a coffee. And that’s enough evidence to sell me on the whole masochistic runaround maybe being worth the struggle. After all, occasionally you earnestly care for someone, but being with them in a romantic relationship isn’t the right move. Or maybe enough time has passed to heal your emotional wounds. Or maybe you share a family or your lives are otherwise permanently enmeshed. In these cases and many others, friendship might be plausible (with a lower case “p.”)

But before you veer onto that treacherous road less traveled, you brave, brave soul, reference the three-step checklist below from relationship expert Susan Winter. It asks you to audit the situation, your ex, and how you, yourself, feel about the whole thing, because you owe it to yourself to do some introspection before saying “I do” to friendship with an ex.

1. What did your relationship look like?

Believe it or not, I haven’t been in contact post-split with my former fling who spelled my name as “Marry.” Even at age 19, when I hadn’t yet toned my judgment muscles, that was a real low for me. But I wasn’t looking for a soul mate; I was looking for convenient, rebound sex. And rebound sex guy really isn’t someone who I need in my life anymore, even as a friend.

It make sense that a relationship built solely upon physicality rather than emotional intimacy won’t lead to you to wearing matching Best Friends Forever heart necklaces. Same goes for someone who loved you but didn’t really seem to like you. Big difference. Huge.

“Ex-lovers can also become friends if they truly liked each other as individuals, separate and apart from their romantic connection,” Winter says. So, if you end on friendly terms, you might a prime candidate for testing those platonic waters.

2. Did you, like, just break up?

If you broke up recently, pump the breaks, honey. Take a sec to process the shift before even recognizing that “being friends” is an option on the table.

“Let time pass before grabbing for the friendship card,” Winter says. “Uncoupling is a process that takes time, and learning to see your former lover with new eyes is an adjustment. Time allows the sexual attraction to die down and guarantee that the reasons for your friendship are valid.”

So when someone asks, “can we still be friends?” refrain from immediately plugging a Froyo get-together into your Google calendar. No need to lose faith in the entire concept of friendship between exes, but do prioritize being a friend to yourself first.

3. And why is it that you want to be friends?

Last time my friend got dumped, her ex’s parting words were, “We can still hang out. I don’t really have any friends here.” And wow, did she feel…not special in any way, shape or form. It’s always important to analyze why somebody wants to keep you in their life after the romantic union dissolves. In my friend’s case, it was because the dumper was desperate, lonely, and obviously lacked some finesse in the communication department that might have been barring him from making the friends he was lacking. But, in other cases, it might be that you’re just not over it.

“True friendship with an ex can only happen after both individuals are clearly through the breakup phase, and no longer yearn for each other romantically,” Winter says. Science even backs this one up. An analysis of two studies investigating motives behind a post-breakup friendship found when unresolved romantic issues is the reason for staying chummy, negative emotions—like jealousy, depression, or heartbreak—are a likely result. Alternatively, staying friends for reasons like security and practicality, like if you share assets or a family or simply just like each other as people, correlated with positive outcomes.

“If one partner seeks the sanctity of friendship as a means of ‘getting back with their ex,’ then “friendship” is a ploy—and not a possibility,” Winter says. So do an audit of your emotional stance on your relationship, but also don’t forget to analyze the motivations of your ex. Because in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, it takes two to tango.

Once more for the people in the back, here’s the skinny on whether it’s healthy period to stay friends with an ex. And while we’re talking sticky situations, here’s how to proceed when you want to date your friend’s ex. 

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Sexual Activity

5 Signs of Mixed Signals in a Relationship—And How To Deal

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When you get mixed signals in a relationship, navigating how to respond and then proceed can be pretty tricky: Should you acknowledge them directly? How will the other person respond? Should you go with the flow? But, before you even get to a potential plan of action of how to deal with mixed signals, you first have to discern whether the signals in question are actually mixed or if your interpretation of them may be off.

“Most of the time, it is not intentional,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Lesli Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage. “Often, it isn’t happening at the conscious level.” Dealing with it can also get tricky when you don’t ask for clarification—which few people do, Doares adds, noting that many will stew on their own interpretation and take it as fact.

To that end, it’s also important to take stock of your own history with interpreting mixed signals, because relationship experts say this can be an issue, too. That is, while it’s entirely possible to legitimately be receiving them, it’s also plausible that your personal relationship history may be clouding your interpretation of what’s being said and done in current time. In that case, you may be characterizing pretty straightforward communication as mixed or otherwise confusing.

Also, mixed signals may just be a short-lived component of the beginning stages of a new relationship. “Perhaps they’re still grieving a past relationship or harboring feelings for another person while getting to know you,” says licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, PhD, author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?

It’s also possible for early-in-the-relationship mixed signals to have nothing to do with someone else being on a person’s mind. “You’re just getting to know each other,” says psychologist Karin Anderson Abrell, PhD, creator and host of the Love & Life podcast. “As you gather information, you may respond in the moment or pull back to process what you’ve learned.” In fact, she adds, mixed signals can actually suggest “a thoughtful, reflective effort to get to know the other person.” Meaning, it’s not necessarily a bad thing if mixed signals happen early on.

Regardless of whether they’re good, bad, or not even necessarily existent, though, if you feel confused, you may find yourself feeling frustrated—and that makes sense. Below find signs that you may be experiencing mixed signals—and how to work through it if that’s the case.

5 signs you’re experiencing mixed signals

While it may be difficult to ascertain whether you’re actually getting mixed signals or you’re more simply overthinking, the experts do provide some intel to support the former happening. Check out the five signs below.

1. You’re confused.

This is one of the biggest signs that you’re fielding mixed signals, Doares says. You may even start questioning your own judgment, Dr. Durvasula adds.

2. A person’s actions don’t match their words.

People who give mixed signals might say that you’re important to them, but their behavior doesn’t match up, like telling you they want to be with you, but not actually making the time to do it, Doares says.

3. You’re not sure how to interact with them.

Being unsure of where things stand in a relationship can make it hard to know how to communicate with someone, Dr. Durvasula says.

4. You’re left playing detective.

“You may feel frustrated, and may spend time ruminating or talking to others and trying to ‘decode’ texts, emails, social media posts, and conversations,” Dr. Durvasula says.

5. Something feels off.

Sometimes, you’ve just got to go with your gut, Dr. Abrell says.

How to handle mixed signals

“The first thing is to figure out if that’s really happening or if you are,” Doares says. “Have you created a version of the relationship that is not yet agreed, to and you’re viewing the other person’s behavior through that lens?” If so, take a step back and recalibrate, and if not, you have several options for how to deal.

If you’ve just started dating, Dr. Abrell reiterates that mixed signals are pretty normal and may ease with time. “How could someone give you complete assurance of their feelings when they are still getting to know you?” she says. “In fact, it’s likely you’re giving some mixed signals yourself.” That said, if you feel like the mixed signals happening in your new relationship are getting in the way of building a relationship with the other person, you could always bring up how you are feeling. Just make sure not to lead with accusations or fall victim to other common communication pitfalls.

And if you’ve established an exclusive relationship, Dr. Abrell says it’s “fair” to either bring up your concerns or sit back and try to observe what’s happening. “If your partner’s mixed signals reveal chronic behavior patterns, you may decide they aren’t a fit for you,” she says. “Or, you may decide to communicate your concerns and request more reliable, less erratic interactions. How your partner responds to this request will provide you with valuable information regarding how you two navigate conflict.”

And sure, the idea of directly asking someone what they think and feel can be scary, but Dr. Durvasula says doing important if your relationship has gotten to a certain point—whether mixed signals are present or not. “Many people may have a fear that if they tackle the mixed signals head-on, they may lose the person,” she says. “But there may have been an inevitability to that ending.” If that happens, she says, at least “more time and hope isn’t being wasted.”

To start this conversation, Dr. Durvasula says to be direct and ask the person how they’re feeling. “If they gaslight you and say that they aren’t [sending mixed signals], then take that as the red flag it is,” she says.

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